When I stumble, don't follow my small rebellion

Flannery O'Connor was right when she said 'a good man's hard to find'
There was only ever one, and he is out of state and out of mind.
Too often I feel a lamb without a leader in a church that fears no God.
We sing our songs and go to camps while the bible calls our fraud.
We pray for the poor with our wallets full of blood,
"Hold the Line! Stay the course, and chew your cud!"
I can't help but think it was supposed to be more than this,
more than words without action or empty politics.
The least common denominator is the watered down condition,
afraid of people and risk, afraid of crucifixion.
I can't stand to do this anymore.
I won't plead the name of Christ and act like a whore.
I need more than empty words that merely hide our vices.
Sincerely changed lives in the abscence of disquises.
If you believe something truly, you must believe it to its full extent.
Take this to its natural conclusion to understand what is meant.

objectification and externalization.

ob·jec·ti·fy (əb-jěk'tə-fī')
tr.v. ob·jec·ti·fied, ob·jec·ti·fy·ing, ob·jec·ti·fies
1.To present or regard as an object: "Because we have objectified animals, we are able to treat them impersonally" (Barry Lopez).2.To make objective, external, or concrete: thoughts objectified in art.
ob·jec'ti·fi·ca'tion (-fĭ-kā'shən) n., ob·jec'ti·fi'er n.



ex·ter·nal·ize (ĭk-stûr'nə-līz')
tr.v. ex·ter·nal·ized, ex·ter·nal·iz·ing, ex·ter·nal·iz·es
1. a.To make external.
b.To manifest externally: "Marriage is a nice way to externalize the private commitments made between you" (Patti Davis).
2.To attribute to outside causes.
3.To project or attribute (inner conflicts or feelings) to external circumstances or causes.
ex·ter'nal·i·za'tion (-lĭ-zā'shən) n.

I've been thinking a lot about objectification lately, and I saw the word externalize as a synonym. I think they are both pretty important concepts. Objectification is taking something that is not an object and making it an object, while externalization is just taking something that is inside and projecting it outward, or somehow giving it an outward expression.

I keep my eyes closed and only go where I've been before.

There is this great line from this song called "Thus from my lips, by Yours, my sin is purged" by As Cities Burn that says



"Oh my God, how sweet is the sound

but is it saving a wretch like me?

and Oh my God how sweet is the sound

I once was blind, but now I just look away"



The first time I heard it I cried because it pulled on my heart so much. God restores our sight and cures our blindness and so many times I choose to just look away. What is the point of having sight restored if you are just going to ignore what you see? What's the point of knowing truth if you won't pursue it? The reality of God revealed through Jesus Christ is the most amazing and wonderful thing there is. It reveals hard things about humanity, and I find in myself that often I am a coward and that I flee from responsibility. Those who know truth have a responsibility to act on it and reveal it to others. Ignorance is not an option. The biggest thing missing in my life right now is risk. Risk is an essential part of Christian faith. Risk that I might mess up, risk that I might do everything right and still fail, the risk in investing everything I have and am into this one thing. My life is something I have taken for granted over and over again, and I keep forgetting it's not my own. I was talking with my friend yesterday and we were discussing how this tragedy that happened in her family brought them all closer together. Today I find myself wondering why we have to wait for something tragic to happen in order to hear the things that God is constantly trying to tell us anyway. I don't want to wait for something tragic or for someone I love to die in order to start paying attention. My eyes are open, and I see the things I am supposed to see but I do nothing. That is even worse than pretending you didn't see it at all.

Why so Serious?

I had a really good talk with my mom on Saturday while we were driving to the new house. Somehow I'm always surprised when she says something awesome even though I always know it's a possibility. Anyway, I was telling her about how I've been thinking so much lately, but that I've had trouble expressing my thoughts in ways that other people understand them. As a result of that I've felt very distant from people lately. On top of that it's almost like no matter what I do anymore I can't help but think about it in terms of mere functionality. What is the point of it?
Example: I went and saw the new Transformers movie with my friends and I was completely incapable of enjoying it because the whole time I was thinking "What is the point of this? They aren't even trying to say anything. 2 + hours and nothing is being said." So in my mind it was one of the worst movies I've ever seen because there is nothing intellectually stimulating about it. I tell her all of these things and she just tells me that I'm thinking too much and not enjoying things enough. Interestingly enough, that was all I needed to hear. It was something I already knew, but I needed someone else to say it. The truth of things is that there are many things in the world that have no point to them, but they are enjoyable. They are ways to spend time with friends and things, and I have been spending so much time analyzing and looking for content that I have forgotten that those things don't matter as much as people do. I've been so busy studying and looking into different ideas that I've lost sight of enjoying people. When my mom said that simple sentence it just dawned on me that it might be selfish of me to want to analyze things all the time. It might be selfish of me to be thinking about those kind of things when I should be enjoying my friends. When I am with people I need to be with them in my mind too. I can't be thinking about other things and not engaged in what is going on. Maybe that is a part of dying to myself, and I've been missing it this whole time! So, I want to apologize to all my friends, and anyone else that I've engaged with but haven't actually been there. I'm sorry and I'm not going to do that anymore. When I am with you I'm going to be with you and you will have my full attention from now on.

contemplating it all

How is it that love can turn to hate so quickly?
Is it that we never loved at all, or merely
that we do not understand it clearly?
Who is to tell; I'm not familiar enough
to answer well. I just know that if you were
bleeding, I'd still give you a band-aid, or if
you stopped breathing I'd be the first
to give you CPR (because I'm certified).
Not because you deserve it (as if any of us
deserve anything) or because I think I can
preserve whatever we had, but presicely for the opposite reasons.
My animocity, or laid back apathy toward you
won't keep me from knowing right from wrong
or pursuing the servanthood of Christ.
'Cause I know it's not your fault,
though I'm not trying to shift the blame,
but I know it's not all your fault,
when I am disenclined to be the salt
for this world and the hurting.
How could I have thought that I loved you
when I couldn't love them
and how could I think that I have it all figured out
when there are people sleeping curbside living in doubt?
Now I know that a time will come when I can
lay myself aside and truly embrace the eternal
inside everyman (Matthew 25). Then maybe then
I think I might be ready, might be able
to hold my hand steady so as to guide the weak
to a better understanding and think less about
reprimanding, or being in good standing with my peers.