A decade of music!

I don't get to do this very often, but this is the perfect excuse to share my favorite albums this year and for the decade!

for 2009:

1. As Cities Burn - Hell or High Water
Oh As Cities Burn, why did you have to leave us? This album came out at the beginning of the year and is still in heavy rotation. There is not a bad song on here. It's kind of a laid back album, minimalistic almost. good stuff though.


2. mewithoutYou- It's all Crazy, It's all False, It's all A Dream, It's all Right
Despite the fact that they change their sound heavily and remove pretty much everything that made them mewithoutYou, this album is really good when you don't compare it with their other albums.


3. Neon Horse - Haunted Horse: Songs of love, defiance, and delusion
This is just fun. Especially Chain Gang, Bang Bang


4. Dagon - Terraphobic
Straight up thrash metal goodness with some insane vocal exchanges between the drummer and the bass player.


5. Gasoline Heart - Nostalgia Ain't What it Used to Be
This is just a great rock record, although I think it's a little over produced. The singer, live, had a bit of a gruffer voice than what is on the record and I liked it a ton better when he sang like that it made the music so much more interesting.




Now, Zack's list of best albums of the decade:
1- mewithoutYou - Catch for Us the Foxes

Hands down, the most listened to album I own since it came out in 2004. I don't even know how many times I've listened to it without skipping a single track. A Masterpiece of music and art. The lyrics are brutally honest about the singer's search for God and he's not afraid to admit that he's a little confused about things and doesn't have all the answers. The music fits so well with what he says too. (only putting one mewithoutYou album on the list to be fair, but you might as well add the other ones here too)

2- As Cities Burn - Son, I loved You at Your Darkest

I know it will surprise a lot of you that this is my #2, but over the years this album has stuck with me and proved itself over and over again. The lyrics are very raw and honest, and the music towers over all the other mediocre metal out there. If you want a record that speaks to your heart as well as some music that is delicious for your ears this is it. I know some people have said that all the songs kind of sound the same, and I'll agree with that to an extent, but with nothing else out there sounding like this I don't see that being a problem.

3- Living Sacrifice - The Hammering Process

Dark gloomy atmospheres and staccato guitar playing. Fantastic. This is my FAVORITE Living Sacrifice album. All of the songs kind of this groove to them that I like a lot. It's not all about how fast they can play or how many notes they can hit. I love it. There is no way to describe this album that would do justice.

4- Zao - The Funeral of God

Good story. Great music. Dan's throat destroying growls sound great. I kind of wish that Steve Albini had produced this album instead of The Fear is What Keeps Us Here though. It would have been cool to hear it with that kind of raw production. Anyway, not a bad song on the album, its straight up unapologetic metalcore that will kick you in the face and leave you in the street. No time for friends.

5- Norma Jean - Bless the Martyr and Kiss the Child

I don't even know how to describe the awesomeness contained here in. I could listen to every song on here all day and not be sick of it. It sticks out from everything else Norma Jean has done.


I know there are a lot missing on here, but I'm at work right now and that's all I can think of off the top of my head. Love you all!

Thought this was interesting...

"What is interesting is that as we grow up our hearts don’t simply mature away from depravity, they simply become more clever at masking and disguising it. Our hearts are filled with envy, comparison, competition about anything and everything."

A truth taken from this article:

http://hv.thevillagechurch.net/blog/hvpastor/?p=353

There's a lot to think about there. I think what this guy says is 100% accurate. A heart ruled by circumstances is never satisfied.

laying it down

Yesterday I realized that a lot my opinions about things get in the way of my loving other people. I think certain things are right, and that there is a certain way to do them, and I've been very critical of people who don't see it that way. I think in sense I've been putting the cart before the horse. I have a lot of strong opinions about how I think the gospel and the church should interact with culture but not a lot of interaction. In the very essense of the word I've been a hypocrite. I've cared more about cultivating my opinions and my stance on things than I have about cultivating my brothers and sisters, investing in them and trying to help them grow. I thank God for bringing me to a place where I feel like I can lay those opinions down for a while, (easier said than done though) and just focus on learning how to love people whether I agree with exactly what they are saying or not. God's already taught me a lot about keeping my mouth shut with things, I guess now it's just time to learn to open it again but only with productive things. I know all of this sounds really vague, but honestly I think it's best that way for now until I can learn not to be so judgemental with things. So, really, that's all I have to say about that for the moment. Prayer would be appreciated. :-D

Praxis

So, I can't really say why I haven't been writing on here as much as I was before. maybe I just need to get back into the habit of it. I think tomorrow I'll write some of the stuff I have been thinking about from my notebooks. This past week I read "The call of Cthulhu" by H.P. Lovecraft, and I fell in love with it. It's dark, depressing,ominous, and hopeless. Just like reality is supposed to be apart from an all loving benevolent God. You either have chaos or you have control, there is no inbetween,middle, or neutral ground. A lot of people say they don't believe in God, but they still live like there is one; call it the residue of Christendom or whatever you want, its still there; alive and well. No one wants to ruthlessly examine their own beliefs or the underground presupositions that hold up their beliefs. Then I read Lovecraft and I see that he understands what his choice means. I like that he doesn't run away from it. I think if a lot of Christians sat down and examined themselves in this way they would find a significant amount of what they say does not match up with what they do. So many wonderful concepts and doctrines within Christianity have become just words to us. What does grace mean? What does it look like like? How do I model it?

"The unexamined life is not worth living." - Socrates

In over my head again.

I've been thinking about so many things lately that I feel its all been jumbled together. Do you know what that means? Time to write something out. But where do I even begin?

How Great the Father's Love for Us!

This is probably one of the most important sermons I've heard lately. True repentance is hard to maintain because we all want to try and seek some kind of justification for ourselves but God always demands the exact opposite of us. Repentance can never be mere behavior modification. That view just shows our own cowardess in not wanting to confront what is truly in our hearts.

http://hv.thevillagechurch.net/resource_files/audio/200909200900HWC21ASAAA_MattChandler_ThePathPt02-AContinuingEthic.mp3

" Walking in the light means staying in tune with whats going on in your heart; it will always be uglier than you think, and that's good news because the more wicked we see our hearts the more electric and glorious we see His grace. The more electric and glorious we see His grace, the more prone we are to not walk in self-denial and hide."

The Crucified Man

"What befell Christ befalls every man in Him. It is only as one who is sentenced by God that man can live before God. Only the crucified man is at peace with God. It is in the figure of the Crucified that man recognizes and discovers himself. To be taken up by God, to be executed on the cross and reconciled, that is the reality of manhood." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer (emphasis added)

I've been thinking about this all morning. Well,... I've been thinking about it longer than that, but this morning it seemed even more pertinant to know that my life is not my own and that it has been offered up. Sometimes I get discouraged...actually a lot of the time I get discouraged, and I think its because I forget that only the crucified man is at peace. He is at peace because he has disregarded himself; he is the man who rests on the promises of God and goes wherever that takes him; he sacrifices himself in order to give Glory to God and to lift up other men; and I think most of all he submits his own will and his own desire for the God he loves. It's about sacrifice. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." That's exactly what Jesus has done for us. Thats what we do for eachother. I forget that. I get selfish. I forget that sacrificial living is what manhood is all about.

PROBLEM:

"Thus from my lips, by yours my sin is purged"
As Cities Burn
well, I've got a will but I want yours
I've got a growing heap of crosses and burdens
I've simply lost heart to shoulder
simply no strength to lift
I've always been a man in need
'cause I keep stepping in and out of the shadow

caught by the drift and pitch of whatever it is
that keeps me coming back
I want out
'cause I'm getting sick
sick from all this swerving
driver, sick from turning on you

someone show me a hole in this cycle
show me the way away and i'm coming back
the way I came
no! I've seen this place before
surely this is no place for the light of this world

oh how sweet the sound
I know it saved but is it changing a wretch like me
oh my God how sweet is the sound
I once was blind but now I just look away

my bride, I don't want to know what I'd be without
forgiveness brushing these adulterous lips


SOLUTION:
Excerpt from "Goodbye, I"
mewithoutYou
"Come, Tortoise, standing still -- go, Hummingbird, my will
Come, Tortoise, stumbling blind -- go, Hummingbird, my eyes
Come Tortoise, empty hands -- go, Hummingbird, my plan
Come Tortoise undefined -- go, Hummingbird, my mind
Come, Tortoise, letting go -- go, Hummingbird, 'I know'
Come, Tortoise, come and die -- go, Hummingbird, my I
Oh... goodbye, I! Goodbye, I! Bye, bye, bye"

The tortoise represents being in a state where we are only moved by the will of God, While the humming bird tries to do it all on its own.

Christian sub-culture

I'll be honest. This is one of my favorite things to rant about, but I'm going to try and reel it in a little bit because my ranting is probably not going to be very productive. I don't really know how we, as the church, got to this place. I think it might be so close to where we are right now that not too many people have looked back to see exactly how we ended up here. Where is here? The place where somehow it became okay for Christians to separate themselves from the world. Now, let me explain what I mean by this before I send anyone wrong signals. I believe that we as a people are to be "in" the world but not "of" the world. I think in recent decades this has been misinterpreted though. Somehow it has come to mean that we should let the culture of the world decay into even more depravity while we create our own sub-culture (a mere shadow of the regular culture)and disappear into it. The reason that this is a misinterpretation is that it is trying to make this saying a physical reality instead of a state of mind, or a description of us as a people. Somehow it has come to mean that we have christian coffee shops as opposed to secular coffee shops, christian music as opposed to secular music, christian mints (yes there are such things), ect. The list could go on. What it boils down to is "christian" being used as an adjective instead of a noun. In some cases this might not be bad, but in the context of this blog I think it is. If in order for someONE to be a Christian they must profess Christ as their Savior and follow Him accordingly (nutshell), how can someTHING be Christian? Things are not capable of making these decisions. The fact is it is about MARKETING! If you label something as Christian it is guaranteed that someone will buy it because of this sub-culture that we have set up. It is destructive to creativity as well as destructive to our witness to the world. The fact is that perhaps twenty years ago, we needed Christian book publishers or other things like that in order to get things published that other publishers were not willing to publish, but in all honesty such things are not needed in today's society with the internet around. Christian bookstores for example are rotting from the inside out. It really has become about marketing, not content. Most of these things have little to no christian content outside of the name, and the tendency is to sell what makes people happy because it means more money, or trinkets and things that don't really serve any purpose or anybody.

Anyway, I think I started rambling a little bit. Here is the point: We need to stop thinking that our own culture will ever trump the culture around us. There is a saying that Christian culture is always 20 years behind, and this is one of the cases where it is true. The church can never trump the culture around us because we are a part of that culture. Trying to separate ourselves from it is ridiculous. We just end up looking silly because we start trying to Christianize something while the world has moved on. The fact is culture and all of its trimmings don't matter. Spreading the word of Christ and living lives obedient submission to Him is what changes people, and the more people that the Holy Spirit grabs, the more culture changes. This is a fact. Culture can't be changed by giving alternatives to it, culture changes when people come to have a saving faith in Jesus Christ. Take Rome for example, I don't think the Christians of that time were interested in having a culture war. I think they cared about people and were trying to share the gospel with them and so many people got saved that subsequently the culture started to shift (for better or worse). So I think we need to stop the sillyness. Stop dressing things up as Christian that are not. There is no such thing as a "Christian" bookstore, there is only a bookstore, a business, that sells books that express ideas influenced by Christian faith. There is no such thing as a "Christian" band there are only musicians who have come to saving faith in Jesus Christ and express the change in song. And finally, there is no "Christian" sub-culture. There are only Christians who have replaced fear of God with the fear of man. Yep, it's true. I think christian sub-culture comes from a fear of man and a lack of trust in the God of the universe. We get scared of how much culture influences us, but we should be scared of how much God does not influence us sometimes.


*Note: I'm speaking in general terms here. There are places where a sub-culture needs to form. Christian theology for example needs to stay rooted in the bible and things that make us different will form a unique culture. The point is that these things are naturally occurring and are not forced, they come from following in obedience.

social interaction online as compared to interaction in physical reality

A while ago I was thinking alot about social networking. Facebook, myspace, ect. in regard to how it affects the way we communicate in real life. Today I randomly started thinking about it again, and I've been thinking that it might have more negative effects than we realize. I'm not talking about issues of saftey as in do you really know who you are talking too, I think all of us are fairly aware of that. I'm talking more about how we interact with eachother. I think it is changing for the worse because of social networking. Why is it easier to text or chat with someone online than it is to talk to that person face to face? Why can we say something to someone online that we would never say to them in person? I think a lot of it has to do with the loss of the physical connection. Online, there is no phyiscal connection, even if you know the person and see them everyday. Body language is a key element of human interaction that cannot by mimicked in cyber space. I think excessive amounts of chatting with people online makes us forget how we are supposed to interact with people in real life. I mean in casual relationships it won't matter so much, but I think if we start spilling our guts online to other people and exposing the deep layers of our hearts with the pseudo-anonymity of the internet, we become less capable of doing so one-on-one in person. There are different rules in physical interaction than there are on the internet. This is hard to explain, but a while back I was reading about mediums, not people who talk to the dead, but the ways in which we express our ideas to other people, anyway, I forget what I was reading but the guy was talking about how there are different mediums for different ideas we are trying to express to others, for example you can't smell something through a television (the most basic level). Different levels of human interaction are needed to express different levels of ideas. I think that we are trying to shove interactions between humans that need to take place in person onto the internet.

Example: On the internet I can express an idea but I cannot act the idea out. I can tell a girl that I like her and am interested in her, but this is the only way I can show my interest in her online. While, in the real world I can actually do things with this girl and try to get to know her while keeping the "im interestedness" of it inside, perhaps where it needs to be in order to cultivate a base for the relationship.

This gets even more complicated in social interaction where there is both online interaction and physical interaction. Where do you draw the line. In my opinion I think matters of the heart MUST be confined to physical interaction in order to be regarded as sacred (not in a religious sense but in a sense where we know that it is not something cheap or free.) We talk online to plan for things where we physically interact with eachother, we have to realize that online interaction has limitations and rules just like physical interaction.

Anyway, these are just raw unprocessed thoughts. What do you think? lets have a discussion.

#2- Bible Study

Honestly, Prayer and Study of Scripture should both be @ 1, but I wanted to address them both seperately. In regard to bible study it is a lot like prayer where it should both be done individually and corporately. The scripture tells us what is required of us in regard to being a light in our community. We are to be a pure people that is "in" but not "of" and the bible presents many good examples of people who have invested in the kingdom. I think it would be beneficial to have a bible study to see examples of how men and women in the bible changed the community around them through faith in Jesus Christ. Also, examples of unfaithful people should be looked at too to see how that changed community.

#1- Prayer

I think the best way to start pursuing living out the gospel in our community is prayer. I want to start getting a group of people together every week to pray for the school, the community, our church, and that we will be faithful in our walks with God. Last year Simeon and I did this for a while and I felt like it was a good thing to do, and honestly I have no idea where to start with this action thing I've been ranting about lol. Also, Jonathan mentioned the great commission in relation to my other post and I thought that was a GREAT place to start too. So I think that should be the main theme of these prayer meetings, how to fulfill that commission best in the EMPOR!

All you do is talk.

"Help yourself don't say a thing
Your love won't show in anything at all
If all you do is talk"

Can't say anthing new.
I'm stuck on this because it's important.
Words don't mean anything apart from action.
This is the key word for the new year: do.
Let's not worry so much about getting it wrong or right: do.
I'm not talking about the "out there" type of doing either.
You know what I mean, Christian camp, isolation movements.
It needs to be done here. It needs to be lived in the moments
where it is impossible to live it.
The more we see Christ "out there" the harder it is to see Him here.
I read this great article the other day about anxiety and how we need
to give it up in order to be humble. We have to stop thinking so much
about what people think of us or how they will respond. It doesn't
matter. Nothing matters except the gospel of Christ.
But you've all heard it before, I've heard it before.
I'm tired of hearing it. Let's think of practical ways
to do and then do them. No more discussion. Only action
allowed. If you are into that idea let me know, and
lets get started.

When I stumble, don't follow my small rebellion

Flannery O'Connor was right when she said 'a good man's hard to find'
There was only ever one, and he is out of state and out of mind.
Too often I feel a lamb without a leader in a church that fears no God.
We sing our songs and go to camps while the bible calls our fraud.
We pray for the poor with our wallets full of blood,
"Hold the Line! Stay the course, and chew your cud!"
I can't help but think it was supposed to be more than this,
more than words without action or empty politics.
The least common denominator is the watered down condition,
afraid of people and risk, afraid of crucifixion.
I can't stand to do this anymore.
I won't plead the name of Christ and act like a whore.
I need more than empty words that merely hide our vices.
Sincerely changed lives in the abscence of disquises.
If you believe something truly, you must believe it to its full extent.
Take this to its natural conclusion to understand what is meant.

objectification and externalization.

ob·jec·ti·fy (əb-jěk'tə-fī')
tr.v. ob·jec·ti·fied, ob·jec·ti·fy·ing, ob·jec·ti·fies
1.To present or regard as an object: "Because we have objectified animals, we are able to treat them impersonally" (Barry Lopez).2.To make objective, external, or concrete: thoughts objectified in art.
ob·jec'ti·fi·ca'tion (-fĭ-kā'shən) n., ob·jec'ti·fi'er n.



ex·ter·nal·ize (ĭk-stûr'nə-līz')
tr.v. ex·ter·nal·ized, ex·ter·nal·iz·ing, ex·ter·nal·iz·es
1. a.To make external.
b.To manifest externally: "Marriage is a nice way to externalize the private commitments made between you" (Patti Davis).
2.To attribute to outside causes.
3.To project or attribute (inner conflicts or feelings) to external circumstances or causes.
ex·ter'nal·i·za'tion (-lĭ-zā'shən) n.

I've been thinking a lot about objectification lately, and I saw the word externalize as a synonym. I think they are both pretty important concepts. Objectification is taking something that is not an object and making it an object, while externalization is just taking something that is inside and projecting it outward, or somehow giving it an outward expression.

I keep my eyes closed and only go where I've been before.

There is this great line from this song called "Thus from my lips, by Yours, my sin is purged" by As Cities Burn that says



"Oh my God, how sweet is the sound

but is it saving a wretch like me?

and Oh my God how sweet is the sound

I once was blind, but now I just look away"



The first time I heard it I cried because it pulled on my heart so much. God restores our sight and cures our blindness and so many times I choose to just look away. What is the point of having sight restored if you are just going to ignore what you see? What's the point of knowing truth if you won't pursue it? The reality of God revealed through Jesus Christ is the most amazing and wonderful thing there is. It reveals hard things about humanity, and I find in myself that often I am a coward and that I flee from responsibility. Those who know truth have a responsibility to act on it and reveal it to others. Ignorance is not an option. The biggest thing missing in my life right now is risk. Risk is an essential part of Christian faith. Risk that I might mess up, risk that I might do everything right and still fail, the risk in investing everything I have and am into this one thing. My life is something I have taken for granted over and over again, and I keep forgetting it's not my own. I was talking with my friend yesterday and we were discussing how this tragedy that happened in her family brought them all closer together. Today I find myself wondering why we have to wait for something tragic to happen in order to hear the things that God is constantly trying to tell us anyway. I don't want to wait for something tragic or for someone I love to die in order to start paying attention. My eyes are open, and I see the things I am supposed to see but I do nothing. That is even worse than pretending you didn't see it at all.

Why so Serious?

I had a really good talk with my mom on Saturday while we were driving to the new house. Somehow I'm always surprised when she says something awesome even though I always know it's a possibility. Anyway, I was telling her about how I've been thinking so much lately, but that I've had trouble expressing my thoughts in ways that other people understand them. As a result of that I've felt very distant from people lately. On top of that it's almost like no matter what I do anymore I can't help but think about it in terms of mere functionality. What is the point of it?
Example: I went and saw the new Transformers movie with my friends and I was completely incapable of enjoying it because the whole time I was thinking "What is the point of this? They aren't even trying to say anything. 2 + hours and nothing is being said." So in my mind it was one of the worst movies I've ever seen because there is nothing intellectually stimulating about it. I tell her all of these things and she just tells me that I'm thinking too much and not enjoying things enough. Interestingly enough, that was all I needed to hear. It was something I already knew, but I needed someone else to say it. The truth of things is that there are many things in the world that have no point to them, but they are enjoyable. They are ways to spend time with friends and things, and I have been spending so much time analyzing and looking for content that I have forgotten that those things don't matter as much as people do. I've been so busy studying and looking into different ideas that I've lost sight of enjoying people. When my mom said that simple sentence it just dawned on me that it might be selfish of me to want to analyze things all the time. It might be selfish of me to be thinking about those kind of things when I should be enjoying my friends. When I am with people I need to be with them in my mind too. I can't be thinking about other things and not engaged in what is going on. Maybe that is a part of dying to myself, and I've been missing it this whole time! So, I want to apologize to all my friends, and anyone else that I've engaged with but haven't actually been there. I'm sorry and I'm not going to do that anymore. When I am with you I'm going to be with you and you will have my full attention from now on.

contemplating it all

How is it that love can turn to hate so quickly?
Is it that we never loved at all, or merely
that we do not understand it clearly?
Who is to tell; I'm not familiar enough
to answer well. I just know that if you were
bleeding, I'd still give you a band-aid, or if
you stopped breathing I'd be the first
to give you CPR (because I'm certified).
Not because you deserve it (as if any of us
deserve anything) or because I think I can
preserve whatever we had, but presicely for the opposite reasons.
My animocity, or laid back apathy toward you
won't keep me from knowing right from wrong
or pursuing the servanthood of Christ.
'Cause I know it's not your fault,
though I'm not trying to shift the blame,
but I know it's not all your fault,
when I am disenclined to be the salt
for this world and the hurting.
How could I have thought that I loved you
when I couldn't love them
and how could I think that I have it all figured out
when there are people sleeping curbside living in doubt?
Now I know that a time will come when I can
lay myself aside and truly embrace the eternal
inside everyman (Matthew 25). Then maybe then
I think I might be ready, might be able
to hold my hand steady so as to guide the weak
to a better understanding and think less about
reprimanding, or being in good standing with my peers.

Clever words on pages turn to fragments...

"Oh, but clever words on pages turn to fragments, circles, points and lines,
And they cover them like carpets with graceful, meaningless, ornamental designs"

I'm tired of talking.

I'm ready to start doing.

No more talking without doing.

Action + Words = 1

Church contextualization

There is a really interesting series on the resurgence (www.theresurgence.com) about the sociological/economic changes the industrial revolution caused and stuff. I think it's fascinating stuff and wanted to share it with you all.

Part1: http://theresurgence.com/Church-Contextualization-In-Light-Of-The-Ages-Preface

Part2: http://theresurgence.com/Church-Contextualization-In-Light-Of-The-Ages-Part-1

A lot of the reasons that I think sociology is important are expressed in these articles too. It's important to know what is going on in the culture around you in order to know how to effectively meet the needs of people and things. Anyway, I thought an opportunity for a good discussion was revealing itself; I hope I am right!

It's been a while.

So, I know I haven't written anything in a while, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking anything. Anyone who knows me will tell you that is never a problem. I've been thinking a lot about society, and christianity. Mostly about how they are supposed to go together. Reading that book by Martin Luther is really helping too, I don't have it on me, but I've already highlighted several things from it. He said something that really grabbed me because it was something I'd been thinking about a lot which is the fact that everything of substance has a direct association with God. In otherwords, for something to really exist God had to create it. If God didn't create sin then sin doesn't really exist. When I was listening to the Advance 09 conference there was a running theme about idols and how they skew and misdirect our relationship with God and with things. For idoloatry to occur faith must be misplaced and redirected from God to a thing. I think that once this happens whatever that thing happens to be it ceases to be a created thing in the mind of the idolater and somehow takes on the aseity of God. But if you consider that if God didn't create it, then it doesn't exist that means however the idol looks in the persons mind, it ceases to be real. So, if I idolize women and think that they are going to solve all of my problems, ect, I cease to know anything about real women. I don't know anything about their true nature because they only have a true nature under the created framework that God has given them; a framework that I do not see because I don't aknowledge God in them. Another example would be money, if I am greedy and only care about money that means I have no idea what the true function of money is in the grand scheme of the created order of things.

Anyway, that was probably confusing. I think it confused me too, but I don't have time to fix it right now. I will probably edit/add more to this later.

Exciting things.

For those of you who are interested, the audio from the Advance 09 conference is up on John Piper's website. here is the link. I highly recommend listening to it. I love how all of the pastors who spoke at the conference kept pointing it all back to Jesus. http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/ConferenceMessages/ByConference/45/

Listening to that conference really helped me see how much I've lost sight of things this past week. I don't know how it happend, but I really got selfish. Anyway, I feel like I have a renewed vigor for the Glories of Christ and I think I'm starting to see what he wants me to do with my life, even if they are just shadows and glimpses of clarity that come and go. I can't define it or express it, but I think I'm starting to see a little bit, and that excites me. I want to write more about these things soon. Go listen to the conference, it was great.

The new crucified album is out now, "The Crucified Collection" go check it out/ pick it up!
New Project 86 album is comming out soon as well.
Also, if you are interested check out this band alled Eso-Charis, it was a Living Sacrifice side project that only put out one album, but it was BRUTAL!!!

Pure Awesome!

I found a copy of "The Bondage of the Will" by Martin Luther at Borders. Need I say more?

Poem!

something I've been working on, I know the end doesn't fit with it very well right now, but that's just because I just wrote down kind of where I'd like it to go and didn't worry about finishing it.


gone are the days of trepidition,

I've given in to this new volition.

Out with the old in with the new.

Dead is the flesh and Jesus is the sinew,

the rock that holds me steady and firm,

the blood that keeps at bay the flame and the worm.

what more could I want than the one who is whole?

what more could I need? Who else can purify the soul?

Nothing more is desired than to lay at your feet

and to weep with joy and sorrow at the holes found sweet.

I'll beg for the forgiveness give into this with my all.

Bend over backwards so the You-in-me can stand tall.

bloodied savior, the one some call "the God who failed"

In the end shall be hailed as King Jesus, the Son of Glory,

sitting at the right hand of God the Father, due all honor and praise.

A few of my favorite things...

Things are going to change around here, I've decided. I don't like the way my thoughts are all jumbled and I think if I actually took a little time to polish them in a notebook or something before posting they might turn out better, so I won't be posting on here as much as I have been, but thats beacuse all of the little blurbs of thought will probably turn into one big blurb. In the meantime...

a few of my favorite things:

Ember- by Zao
"My sight finally returns
Only to see my hands covered with the innocent blood
Of those I stand before as an example
And I hold this ember in my heart
It reminds me of who I once was
It's the only warmth that I know

Ember of Your faithfulness
Ember of Your still small voice
Ember of embracing arms
Ember of rebirth to You my King

To You my King I offer up this ember
For the wind of Your Spirit to consume
Consumed by fire, consumed [2x]
Consumed to purge their blood from my hands"


I thank God that He is so much more faithful than we are.


Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged - by As Cities Burn
"well, I've got a will but I want yours
I've got a growing heap of crosses and burdens
I've simply lost heart to shouldersimply no strength to lift
I've always been a man in need
'cause I keep stepping in and out of the shadow
caught by the drift and pitch of whatever it is
that keeps me coming back
I want out'cause i'm getting sick
sick from all this swerving
driver, sick from turning on you
someone show me a hole in this cycle
show me the way away and I'm coming back
the way I came? no! I've seen this place before
surely this is no place for the light of this world
oh how sweet the sound
I know it saved but is it changing a wretch like me
oh my God how sweet is the sound
I once was blind but now I just look away
my bride, i don't want to know what I'd be without
forgiveness brushing these adulterous lips"


and what would we be? where would we be?


Seven Sisters by mewithoutYou
"He made the world a grassy road before our bare, wandering feet...
(He made the world a grassy road before our bare, wandering feet)
Then crushed the stones into the softest sand between our toes...
(Then crushed the stones into the softest sand between our toes)
But we're wondering where to sleep,
Oh, but clever words on pages turn to fragments, circles, points and lines,
And they cover them like carpets with graceful, meaningless, ornamental designs.
Come quick, You Light that knows no evening... come, alone to the alone!
There are a thousand half-smiles well worth leaving for to take your madness home,
And You dance inside my chest where no one sees You,
But sometimes I see You.
(Come quick, You Light that knows no evening... come, alone to the alone.
There's a thousand half-loves well worth leaving for to take your madness home,
And You dance inside my chest, etcetera... etcetera... ETCETERA!!)
Oh, rejoice, the Cleansing of my lips... rejoice, Salvation of my soul!
I still have a thousand half-loves... oh, my God!
I want to shoot myself just thinking about it!
And you think I don't mean what I say?
WELL, I MEAN EVERY WORD I SAY!!
I threw a small stone down at the reflection of my image in the water...
(I threw the stones down at the reflection of my image in the water)
And it altogether disappeared.
I burst as it shattered through me like a bullet through a bottle...
And I'm expected to believe that any of this is real?"


What is real outside of God?

Good stuff!

I read this article by Stephen Christian of Anberlin. http://www.relevantmagazine.com/community/blogs/YOUR-IRON-RUSTS.html
and this line stuck out to me,

"Do not tell me what you plan to do, tell me of what you have done.
Do not tell me what your hopes are, tell me what hope you have shared.
Do not tell me how hard you will try, but how exhausted you are from the fight and the victory that followed."

And it suddenly dawned on me that I've been looking at everything from the wrong angle. I look at things that need to be done, the person I want to become, the things I want to work on, ect. from the angle of "this is what I plan to do" but I miss the FACT that Jesus already accomplished everything on the cross. "It is finished" right? My pastor always tells me to look at things from a "top down" angle and not from a "bottom up" one, and I think I finally am starting to see it. I need to stop thinking about what I want to accomplish and start thinking about what Jesus has already accomplished in me and how He is getting rid of everything that doesn't reflect this change that has already occured. Planning things is good, it has its place, but we should not speak of plans, maybe those are things we keep to ourselves, we should only speak of the things that we are already doing. I'm done planning. Let's be doers of the word.

Random thoughts I just had.

I'm at work right now, and I just had a weird thought. There is this line from the new mewithoutYou album, from the song "Bullet to Binary (pt. 2) that captures a lot of what I've been thinking about lately.

"...You project on her your inward scene
she's a blank external movie screen..."

Is it possible that we don't see people for who they are, but rather, for who they are only in relation to ourselves? I mean, that we only see the aspects of people that we see or do not see coinciding with our own existance. Example: Everytime I see a girl if I immediately think about whether I could date her or not. Better example: I don't hang out with anybody that I don't get some kind of mutual pleasure from.

If we only try and see ourselves in other people we will never be able to love them the way God does. We need to find a way to love them as wholey seperate beings. There is no point in constantly comparing ourselves to others or vice versa. We are not God; other people were not made in our image, or we in theirs, but the image of God. We project ourselves onto Him too though, that makes things difficult.

Thoughts on Culture, Narcissism, and Perception

I've been reading about these books: The Culture of Narcissism,and The Society of the Spectacle. I find it interesting that one can draw conclusions from these books without having even read them.

Culture of Narcissism: We don't know who we are so we obsess over ourselves. (Displacement)
Society of the Spectacle: Things and shades of things have hidden the true reality of the world from us. (Displacement)

Now insert the intro from Blindside's "The Great Depression" -

We are the sons and daughters of a revolution
Revolutionaries walking us out of oppression and into a no-law promised land
Where there is no right or wrong
And this leaves us with a great sense of sadness growing inside our soul
No one can explain where it's coming from
Or where it's taking us
We just know that something is lost
That somehow we are lost
And this, my friend, is the great depression


There is an absolute that our culture hides from us. We look for it in the pursuit of ourselves, things, ideas, ect. but it is nowhere to be found. 2 conclusions can be drawn: Therefore there is no absolute (an absolute in itself), or there is an absolute that lies wholey outside of these things. The guy who wrote "The society of spectacle" says that a total revolution is needed in order to get out of the current state of things. This is false, because in todays society, all they have to do is start marketing the revolution and it is over. Example: Punk rock goes from anti-consumer, anti-market, to a marketable consumer item in how long...? No one wants to face the fact that the real problem lies within the idea of the self to begin with. It is the Self that draws us to the knumb and the comfortable. People want to blame all of this stuff on capitalism, or buisnesses, ect. but the truth is they only sell it because we want it. The opposite of this is true as well. The sooner everyone realizes that Man can only truly know himself when he realizes that he is only a reflection of God. This is not merely our function, it is our being. That is the ultimate truth behind things. God holds all goodness and purity within himself, meaning that everything outside of Himself is impure, unless He imparts His goodness upon it. We are only good when God declares us good. We are only pure when God declares us pure. When we take these things into our own hands they cease to be what they are and become mere shadows. Why? Because it's not reality. Everything outside of God is abscence unless he makes it good through his command and deed. Thank God for Jesus Christ our Holy mediatior who does this for us. Amen.

**Edit** I re-read this just now, and I think I failed to mention how the spectacle and the narcissism interact. Basically, I think A- either people try and "find themselves" in the spectacle, whatever that might be, or B- I don't think it would be too far fetched to say that some people see themselves as the spectacle. How many people have visited my blog/website lately? How many friends do I have on facebook? ect...

reformed theology and Christian mysticism

I've been doing research on these two topics all day, I am absolutley fascinated by both of them. This is interesting because from what I have gathered most people seem to find them incompatible. I don't think they are though, people just don't understand what is meant by "mysticism" they get scared because its not concrete or analytical. It sounds way too much like this post-modern thing. Once again, I think we are just misunderstanding the mystic's way of describing things. Unity with God is a big thing for them. I think that is a goal of reformed theology as well, we just go about it a different way, or call it different things. What's the difference between "disciplining myself in order to be more Christ like" or "taking off the new flesh and putting on Christ" they mean the same thing don't they? I just think that reformed theology gets too caught up in the definitions sometimes to see the interconnectedness of everything, which perhaps is what the mystic focuses too much on. Anyway, these are just primary thoughts right now. I'm reading the Theologia Germanica that I found for free on the internet right now. I don't see anything heretical in it. I don't see anything wrong in promoting humility and complete subjegation to Christ. Mysticism and Bonhoeffer have a lot in common too. how much more mystical can you get than "only the crucified man is at peace with God"? he certainly doesn't mean that we must be literally crucifed, but at the same time he does mean that for Jesus. The cross is where every paradox you can think of meets. The wrath of God and the peace of God meet at the cross. God can't be ununified (peace) and yet Jesus was seperated (wrath). crazy stuff. He says "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" while at the very same time being God. Paradox. Mystery. Mystic.

A poem

I haven't shared anything in a while, so I thought I would share a poem I wrote sometime this semester, I don't remember exactly when.

I am the upper hand.
I am the conquerer.
with a deftness only the bloodied man
can know, I purge you from the land of
the broken.New creation, arise and
don't look back. You will not wither
for I sustain you.You will not be cut down
for I have stayed the executioners hand.
No, don't look back
to that winter. Spring
brings with it the
taste of all things new.
Go out and live as was intended.
Naked, void of pretense;
free to live in obedience in the reality
of My love for you.
This is not possible, it only ever is.
"I am who I am"
now go be who you must be in light of this.

On forgiveness...

"we all well know,
we're gonna reap what we sow
but Grace, we all know,
can take the place of all we owe
so why not let's Forgive
everyone
everywhere
everything
all the time?"

I am a fan. Marissa and I talked today (sort of) and had a chance to apologize for everything. It was nice. I still don't think I can be friends. I don't trust myself not to do something stupid, but I'm glad neither of us seems to be worse off for all of it. God is good and His grace can redeem our selfishness in ways we could never dream of. I know it doesn't always work out like this. I know someday there will be a rift with someone because of sin, or maybe even just circumstances, that won't be able to be redeemed for one reason or another, and I know that will hurt a lot. But for now, I rejoice in the reconciling of His grace and all that has come of this, both the good and the bad (in the end, it seems like they are both really the same thing). Anyway, I was really excited about God randomly doing this, so I thought I would share about it.

"It's all crazy! It's all false! It's all a dream! It's alright" review

This is a review in progress. I've only listened to the album 5 times so far, so don't expect too much.

First impressions:
The new mewithoutYou album is epic. I know it is epic because I don't like everything on it from the first listen. It's not sensuous ear candy. Catch for us the Foxes took me 6 months to get into, but when it clicked I listened to it everyday for almost 2 years (no joke). Brother, Sister took me a while to get into as well, but it is still in regular rotation. mewithoutYou records are not about instant satisfaction, they are about longevity. These are the type of albums you lock yourself in your room to listen to and just pour over the lyrics while you listen to the album over and over again and don't you dare even think about skipping any tracks, because that will ruin the experience. I'm thinking I'd like to do a song by song analysis going over the various themes contained within each song because you miss stuff if you don't, and I don't want to miss anything. The lyrics are always center stage with mewithoutYou, you can count on that. Even songs like "Yellow Spider" have huge spiritual themes that need to be chewed on for a long time before being swallowed. That's the problem with most music now days is that you can swallow it whole without much contemplation. Tsk Tsk. Anyway, I'll add to this in about a week or so when I've listened to the album some more. Idealy I'd like to start with the first song and then just go straight through the whole album.

brief review of this years events.

Brief review of this school year:

Got back from Sambica completely exhausted and moved into the apartment. Started school 3 days later.

Huge spiritual crisis = very yes.

Started liking this girl in Science class, proceeded to make mistakes.

Had prayer walks around campus with Simeon in the early mornings. My heart wasn't in any of it, but I felt like God could still use it somehow. I'll remember those lessons for a while I think.

Started getting back into the groove of things, started reading "Ethics" by Bonhoeffer and it very much helped reinvigorate my spirit and get my mind turning in all sorts of new directions. "Only the crucified man is at peace with God" almost blows my mind as much as "Let God be true and everyman a liar"

Proceed to Christmas break where (suprisingly) rest and relaxation actually occur. (Calvin commentaries!!!)

School starts.

Andy's wedding?!?! (Still can't get my mind around that, are people I've known since middle school actually getting married?)

Meet Girl.
Date Girl.
Break up with Girl. *God's provincial grace*
Become self-absorbed over Girl.

Started meeting with Pastor Dave (awesome). One of the first talks we had was like getting a brick thrown straight at my face and having it hit dead on. Selfishness= very yes, but reduction is possible when exposed to Jesus Christ.

Not in any particular order: repentence, more mistake making, more repentance. Trying to be less selfish. Trying to be more focused on other people and Jesus instead of myself (insignificant). Read Creation and Fall by Bonhoeffer.

I'm sure there is more to it than that, but thats about all I can remember at the moment. This has been a strange and wonderful school year marked by a lot of self-impossed suffering and some much needed repentance and submission. God is so very good and patient. I don't know what this next summer/school year will hold at all. I'm nervous about some things and excited about others. I want to grow closer to Him by becoming less. I want to figure out what seeing Him as the center of all existance really looks like. I know that I make things a lot messier than they need to be, some people come to this place without the casualties and the struggle, but God knows I have to be difficult. I have to take it as far as it can go or I don't feel satisfied.

Reading list for the summer:
Bible:
Romans
1 and 2 Corinthians
all of the Johns
Exodus
Psalms
Isaiah

Other stuff:
Finish "Christian History in Plain Language"
Finish " Vintage Jesus"
Start "Total Church"
Start "Systematic Theology"
Start "Humility"

If I have time:
"Institutes of the Christian Religion"
"On the Bondage of the Will"
"Epistle to the Romans" (Karl Barth commentary)
John Piper/N.T. Right (The whole Justification debate thing thats going on would be cool to read about)

That should keep me busy!

lost causes

I finished my last final today. I'm pretty sure I failed it. I have no idea what I am doing in school right now at all.

On a better note, the new mewithoutYou album comes out in 4 days! I got an email yesterday that said my pre-order shipped too! (AWESOME) I've also been reading this book on Christian Mysticicsm that I found on google books for free. It's pretty interesting stuff and unfortunatly because of the general misunderstanding of the word "mystic" I think it is a valid part of Christian faith that is either largely under emphisised or else not mentioned at all by American Christians. This isn't a "Paul" or "Apollos" thing, but I really like this mystic side of things that doesn't try and make light of suffering. I read this really cool line in the book equating sin with "non-being" which I found really interesting too because I've been thinking about that a lot myself. If "Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it." Then if God is fullness, (the abscence of nothing), then what can darkness be but abscence? Anything that is not the pursuit of fullness, which is the pursuit of Christ must be the pursuit of abscence, or nothingingness, non-being, whatever. I think that each one of us is kind of like a mirror to reflect God's glory and we try and coat over that with this nothingness and then we try and make it look pretty, we paint it and add and add and add. We are just coats and coats, layers and layers, of silly nothingness hiding the truth that the Holy Spirit imparts, just like that story about the emporer's new clothes. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying that matter is evil and spirit is good or anything so silly. I'm just saying that God is the only thing that matters, and that everything that does not reflect this reality is in a state of non-being, or death. I'm talking about the correct use of things and the false use of them. The correct is that which reflects the glory of God, the false is anything else reflected.

Bleh, these are just random thoughts. I only slept for an hour last night, so most of them are probably heretical or lead away from Christ instead of to Him, if you see anything like that let me know so we can talk about it and I can have a correct view of things, or else you can, however God needs that to work.

"the true light of my eyes is a pearl
equally emptied to equally shine
and all or what little joy in the world
seemed suddenly simple and endlessly mine"

nothing to offer

"Where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you
and offer to wash my feet as I offer to disobey you?
Your beauty does bereave me and how my words do fail
so faithfully and dutifuly I award You with betrayal."

I've been thinking a lot about suffering lately, and how Christians are supposed to suffer. I mean the bible makes it pretty darn clear that suffering is not an option for a Christian. The "dark night of the soul" is very real, and I think something that everyone goes through in order to see what this thing is really all about. I can say all the right words and do all the right things. I've been doing that since 5th grade, but what does it mean? Not in a theological sense nessesarily, but in a heart and hands type of way. What does "taking up your cross daily" look like? Who are we? What does "Christian" mean? We have to stop Christianity from being a merely intellectual pursuit. God wants us to stand before Him knowing fully what we are to him, we are men of unclean lips. We are betrayers, whores, and adulterers. Every single one of us must see ourselves as "the worst of all sinners." If we are not slaves to the gospel we are slaves to something else. When hard things come our boundness to it is tested, and we find out whether our beliefs are manifested physically, or if they are just of the mind. Matt Chandler talks about Bulimic Christians and how we digest what we hear in church and then throw it all up in the parking lot. God! I don't want to be that! What type of God is satisfied with that? What type of belief is that? No. No. No. I've been that before (In many ways I still am.). I can't keep doing that, God has made that quite clear to me. I've been reading about this lady named Simone Weil, and she has a lot of good things to say, but the thing that facinates me the most is that she literally starved herself to death because of an ideology she held. I'm not promoting that or anything, but that is what true belief looks like I think. It is believing something and taking it as far as it can go with actions with words and with thoughts. I mean if someone does THAT for a false belief, what should we be doing for a REAL belief? If we don't give everything then we give nothing and don't really believe what we say we do at all.

Of course ultimately it does not depend on our doing; God's grace is sufficient. I think that this giving everythingness is a result of that grace though. I think the two are so closely tied together that they cannot be seperated. God spoke the world into existance. His very word is action. I think we must learn, in our limited way, to speak/do as well.

What does "To live is Christ; to die is gain" really mean?
Life = Christ. How does that work? How do I do that? What does it mean that life is a person?

"What new mistery is this? What blessed backwardness!
The immeasurable one is held and does not resist;
struck by the wicked words and foolish fists of senseless men,
the almighty one does not defend."

Something I'm working on...

Sever the life that rebels against what's true.
Forgetting what was to be what is inside of you.
Letting go of all the things that breed such discontent.
All the pleasures of this world are merely suppliment.

I am the empty. There's nothing good inside this heart.
I betray with lips that please but limbs that take no part.
When will I see You clearly? When will I be pure?
I know that only amputation is the cure.

You will begin to sever me from myself.
You will graft in new skin.
I will be whole.

This Madness suits me fine.

"You know you're mine
This madness suits me fine.
Your shadow is my comfort
till the end of time"

Good old project 86! They say it so well. I hope that I can be a fool for Christ today, forever, and always. May He always render the wisdom this world to rubble, and lift up the fools who follow for the sake of the Gospel. The Gospel. That's what it's all about right? I forget that sometimes. I start thinking it is about me and progress. Wrong. It is about other people always. Showing them a different way of doing things. A way that isn't shaped by pretense. True freedom is bondage to Jesus Christ.

Living a life devoid of pretense

I think that is ultimately what God wants from us. To live openly and honestly with Him and with eachother. We don't need to try and be good people, or bad people. Do we really even have the right to judge the validity of our own actions? I don't think so anymore. I mean if the bible says it is wrong that is different, but even that should not be used to manipulate or control people. The goal of this whole thing is unity with Christ. I guess I should explain what I mean by pretense. Pretense is doing something, saying something, being something for another purpose than Christ. Social acceptance by our peers is pretense. Whether the girl you are into likes you back, or how happy that person makes you is pretense too (not always, but sometimes). Each person for themselves has to find out a way to cease being concerned soley with themselves and learn to be soley concerned for Christ. Through Christ we then proceed to learn how to be soley for other people. This isn't exactly a step 1, step2 thing. but we have to stop doing things for the sake of things. Feeling good is pretense too. Thats scandilous isn't it? but isn't it true? How many times has happiness lead you to Christ instead of away from Him? I think feeling bad can be the same though. It really depends upon the individual. Anyway, just what I've been thinking about.

Nothing new under the sun.

So, I guess this girl I dated for a likkle bit is dating someone else now. I didn't think it would bother me too much because it's not like I see her or talk to her anymore (I've made enough mistakes to make sure that won't happen) and we only dated for like 2 weeks anyway, but it does upset me a little bit. I don't think its because I still like that girl or have feelings for her, but more like she has something that I want. I hate sin, I hate pride, and greed; I hate that those things are so deeply imbedded in me. Why can't I just be happy for her, and have that be the end of it? I was talking with my friend Allie last night and she told me I think too much, and I don't even deny that is a problem I have anymore. I know that is why it all bothers me so much. I dated this girl last year, and she started dating this dude 2 weeks after we broke up and that hurt a lot more than I've really ever expressed to anyone even though I know I was a complete and utter jerk to her and that breaking up with her was the only unselfish thing I ever did.
I am baffled by my own foolishness honestly. I don't know why I think the way I do sometimes and it frustrates me. I don't know why I can't just let things go, or why I hold onto things I shouldn't as long as I do. I think it's because I want to understand, I want there to be a reason that things didn't work out. I want to reduce it all down to "yes" and "no" or "wrong" or" right" and I can't do that. People are more complex than that. Sin is more complex than that. I get frustrated because nothing makes sense. Lately I've started to realize that is a silly thing to be frustrated about though. I have to learn to accept things and people for who they are, the totality of their personhood. I can't fit people into nice categories or try and make them more or less than they are. Not only do I have to do this, but I also must trust the Lord Jesus Christ with everything, I have to trust that the part of people I do see and do understand is not for me to feel like I am in control, but to see how I can serve and love them. That's what it is all about- forgetting the self so we can love God and everyone else. I get frustrated when I try and make it about Zack Day as the center of the universe. Believe it or not, I have a hard time understanding that there are things that go on in this world that I am not apart of; things that have an impact on me because I think that they are about me when they are not at all. Perception is deceptive. Don't trust yourself ever. Christ is the only thing that lets us see others for who they really are. We understand that we are here only to serve Him and other people. Easier said than done.

broad and specific

broad statement: I hate it when people tell me that I am mature for my age because it makes my faults that much more obvious to me. It's crazy all of the stuff I still have trouble letting go of.

specific statement: I've realized that my girl:god thought ratio is not where it needs to be, and while on that topic my self:other thought ratio is pretty top heavy as well.

"every thought a thought of You
no other thought I ought to do..."

Hell Crabs, Fig Knuckles, and Horseradish!

Holy crap! I'm pretty sure I just had one of the worst experiences in my life (overexaggeration I'm sure, but it feels like it). The whole Bonhoefffer talk totally exploded all over my face lol. I hadn't even thought anyone would take it the way they did, but I guess talking about submission to authority isn't exactly a hit these days. Pretty much I just talked about how the human ability to judge, or to decide, things is a product of the fallen state of mankind, and that we have to submit to another authority in order to see things as they really are. And for me, as I was preparing this I only ever thought about it as a good thing. I don't have to be anything to anyone. I don't have to bear the world upon my shoulders and try and wade my way through the mess of decisions one comes across. Jesus is always the answer, and my submission to him is always the right move. I didn't think about it at all from a view of someone who doesn't believe those things and how the individual is the utmost in our society, how submission is frowned upon (isn't that what terrorist do? No, sir, that is completely contingent upon what they are submitting too) and then disaster...
Guy in class: "Do you really believe any of that?"
Correct answer: "FO SHO!"
my answer: "...maybe?..."
I hate being a coward.

the facade of choice

so, I was talking with my friend earlier and I had a really hard time explaining some of the things I've been thinking about lately to her. I thought it might be beneficial to try and and write some of this out on here. I think the thing I told that particular person might have to wait because I'm not quite sure if it is beneficial to anyone right now ( I honestly made the mistake of not thinking about whether what I was telling her was beneficial or not when we were talking).

Funny enough, I was talking with a different friend earlier and I said something about liking at least to have a facade of choice when doing things. Kind of like when your mom "asks" you to take out the trash. I was thinking about it earlier and I realized that is a good way to describe something I've been thinking about lately: whether possibility, or the ability to do/think/be "good" or "Evil" exist at all.

Within finite human perception, the ultimatum of "good" and "evil" must always at least appear to exist. I don't think we are really capable of fully thinking about it any other way than this. However, from a "top down view" or God's view of human kind it becomes harder to distinguish . The main focus of this will be Adam and Eve's eating of the tree and the deception of the snake in the garden as well as using the above mentioned "asking" of parents analogy. I guess the real question I'm trying to ask is if it is possible to be outside the will of God (evil) or is evil something else entirely?

I'm not going to be able to do all of this in one post, but this is basically where we are going:

1- True nature of the universe:God as the creator and man as the creation
2- The lie of the Serpent: the facade of choice
3- False nature of the universe: man as the creator and God as the creation
4- Conclusion: Jesus Christ and the restoration of all things.

Not all of this is clear cut, I mean, I'm going to try and include scripture in my thoughts and things because I think it is arrogant and dangerous to rely on intellect alone, and if you have questions or thoughts, or want to point out that I am blatantly wrong and rebuke me you are more than welcome. I am not above reproach. I'll try and get this started tomorrow.

break it down until it's broke down!

"As the night-time shined like day it saw my sorry face and hair a mess
But it liked me best that way... besides, how else could I confess?
When I looked down like if to pray,Well, I was looking down her dress... good God!
Please, catch for us the foxes in the vineyard... the little foxes."

God is good. I'm so glad that it's finally starting to sink in that I don't have to impress Him, and that I don't have to impress anyone else either for that matter. He loves and I respond with obedience because I love Him too. He fills me with His love and it overflows into every part of my life and (hopefully) into other people too. I'm not talking about fake piety, I've done and did that. "Look at how humble I am! look!" haha. No one is looking, thank God! If they were, maybe I never would have had the foolishness of it all revealed to me. I think some people look at our relationship with God as an "adding to..." like, you can act the same, and do the same things that you used too, and just have God in addition to those things. I think of it more as a "taking off of..." We are who we are, we continue to do and be who we are, and one by one, or for some, all at once, God exposes all of the things we are bound too and offers us himself in their stead for the rest of our lives. He takes off all the pretense that we coat ourselves in to protect all the hurt and divorce from Him we hide inside. He wants us to be like Jesus Christ, the true man, and to walk naked and unashamed in front of Him. The more I think about it, the more I realize how unlived my life has been thus far. This is it! THIS IS IT!! The truth! The pearl of great price! The treasure in the field that you bury and sell all other things for!!!

cool stuff...not so cool stuff

cool stuff:
http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/resources/video/The-Grand-Demythologizer-The-Gospel-and-Idolatry

that is awesome. I think I know all to well what my idols are. I think I have a hard time resisting the idol of romance. I like being needed and I feel like I'm not a lot of the time. It's hard. Right now the bottom line is that girls just complicate things, I'm not ready for that kind of thing with them, and they aren't ready for me either. Friendship seems to last longer anyway haha. Pastor Keller is totally right when he says that idols destroy rather than fulfill like we think they will. I can't tell you how many friendships have been ruined because of that particular one for me. I'm sorry for that if you are one of the girls who has been affected by that. I have been very selfish. The best cure for these types of things though is just to fall more in love with Jesus :-D which is awesome because that sounds very appealing to me haha.

not cool stuff:
I've really been fighting wanting things from people and its a hard beast to put down. I honestly believe that I don't have the right to expect anything from anyone, but its easier said than done as far as living that way goes. Our culture thrives on ideology which is in my opinion a hinderance to the gospel. It makes Jesus some abstract idea instead of a part of the God who interacts with the world, loving, sustaining, and caring for her. How can I see God correctly if I can't view other people correctly? (vice versa is true also) I'm so tired of the little boxes I have people in.

A letter to the past.

Dear past,

I don't think I've been very fair to you. I always down play the good things and amplify the negative. The bitter over takes the sweet, but I don't believe in bad people anymore. I can't think like I used to. I told someone a few months ago that she just needed to "get over" the past, and I don't think that was very good advice. I think better advice would be learn to embrace the past, the mistakes, the failures (yours and others), and let go of trying to make sense of any of it. God is the only one who can sort through the past and make any sense of it. It's best left in His capable hands (eaiser said than done). Anyway, past, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for trying to fight against who I used to be so much and I'm sorry for trying to justify who I am by what I am currently doing. Christ justifies, not me. I am no man/woman's judge. Sorry for giving you such a bad wrap.


Zack

Rejoice! Rejoice!

I woke up this morning with a belly full of joy in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! What could possibly go wrong? haha :-D

work, Brand New, other stuff...

I'm at work right now, and it's pretty dull right. Printin' papers off for peeps. So, I had heard a lot about this band called Brand New, and had never had enough motivation to check them out, and I decided to do that this week. Good decision. I really like the stuff a lot. It's very angsty, but not in like an overdone type way. Also, As Cities Burn came out with a new record this week Hell or High Water and it is very tasty. http://music.aol.com/new-releases-full-cds/#/9 <--- click that to check out the whole album. Alas, however, my true love, though she approaches, is still 26 days away... When will you be mine new mewithoutYou album? when will you be mine to hold and cherish!?

Other things...

I've had this deep urge lately to write something epic. Not like self-indulgent epic, but just broad and encompassing all of the different avenues of thought I've traveled lately. I think that I want to stop using the term "christian" this or "Christian" that, so I just want to say that whatever I write, or if I ever decide to write this, it would be something with christian themes in it. I guess I will have to explain why I believe that distinction is important at some point, but I don't really feel like it right now lol. Anyway, I really want to write about the Grace of God, and how wonderful and all encompassing it is. I want to write about how nothing really matters at all outside of it. Just about journies through despair and self-loathing, to grace, hope, love and this thing I have inside of me that kind of feels like despair, but its not, its different. The last thing is really hard to explain, its like a despair for other people and the world and not for myself so much anymore.

past, present, future.

Have you ever seen someone/something that has reminded you of who you used to be, what you used to do, and how you used to think about things? I've been running into a lot of people I used to think a lot about, but don't anymore.
Weird.
Anyway, whenever I see people I haven't talked to in a while, or at all in some cases, I think about what was going on in my life at that time and things. The last 2 years have been crazy to put it lightly. I'd like to think I've changed a lot. I think for the better. I realize that a lot of who I was before now was just pretense. Layers and layers of "what do people think of me?" "am I good enough?" "did I do that right?" "should I have done that?" ect...the list is infinite in its depth and triviality. I think I've become a lot more raw, maliable, real.
I don't want to be the boy who runs away to the things that comfort him whenever things get hard; who makes mistakes whenever he can't make sense of things; who hurts people because he would rather have them angry than indifferent.
I want to be the man who can say, "Life is rough right now, and even though I cannot see it, God is good and working!" or "I feel tempted to do (fill in the blank with any type of vice, selfishnesss, or malice) but the Lord Jesus Christ is true so the thing I am tempted to do must be false." or even "I AM NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE. OTHER PEOPLE ARE THREE DIMENTIONAL AND I REFUSE TO NARROW THEM DOWN TO A LEVEL SUFFICIENT FOR MY OWN UNDERSTANDING!" God knows people more deeply than I could ever hope to know them. His word is trustworthy, so I need to follow it. It reveals the truth about men. How could I have been so blind to this for so long? (Everything in Your timing I know) It just seems so obvious now. The love of God and the love of neighbor are the central concerns of man. Anything else is pretense and coating over the image of God in man with the image of man in man, or in other words, anything else is man assuming man is the origin of all things and refuses to see God as the origin of all things. This may not sound like to big of a deal, but it changes EVERYTHING. When we see our selves as the origin, we also see ourselves as the middle of all existance. Everything, including other people, becomes about ourselves.

reality and possibility

Human Judgement always centers around possibility.
"What is" against "what should be"
but if the reality of the world solely consist in Jesus Christ,
then isn't "What is" as it "should be"?
Jesus Christ holds everything in the palm of His hand,
everything is where he wants it be. So what does this mean for us?
Maybe it means that thinking about things in terms of "good" and "evil"
is wrong. Maybe it means that our search for meaning in these things is just
confabulation. Maybe there are actions in this world that the human mind
cannot comprehend Jesus Christ in and that they must remain "meaningless" for us.
Maybe it means not trying to see hope, but knowing it is there none-the-less.
perhaps it even means clinging to the cross even when we don't feel like it.
even when it doesn't make sense too. even when there are things in your past
you have trouble with sometimes. Maybe those only have meaning in Jesus Christ,
and we cannot understand them. We have to trust. We have to hope. Not in the possibility
that Christ meant all of the things He said, but in the reality that those things have to be true
because Christ said them.

somethin' I found

I found this on my facebook today. I don't even remember writing it, but I like it, it fits.

Can you see through my heart made of stone?
Will you excavate to find the flesh beneath?
I'm not sure what you'll see, minimal essentials at best.
But your hands bare the callouses of a man
who knows what it is to work, and I am desperate for this.
I need you to breakthrough. This hardening of the heart will
in the end consume me, and I feel I am
meant to be consumed, but not by this.
Long ago you placed a fire in my bones
I've done my best to smother it and
destroy it, but it burns on.
It won't go away and the smoke rises through my
lungs and out my mouth. It cannot be
prevented. It escapes through the
workings of my hands. So, You've
shown me that I can be more
than what I am right now. I am more than
the sum of my parts. but my heart stops
short of you, and the body suffers.

more thoughts

I'm kind of irritated at myself right now. I don't really know why I'm writing this on here lol, but I have a really hard time not expecting things of other people. It all comes out of vanity and pride too, that I think I am somebody worth some kind of attention. It's all quite silly and pretentious, but it is there none-the-less. I have a hard time celebrating in the joy of my brothers and sisters because secretly I envy them. It usually doesn't matter what they are happy about, just that they seem to have something that I don't. I take my eyes of Christ, and I center them on the self again. I am the only one entitled to happiness. lol how rediculous. Any type of joy or happiness is a gracious gift from Jesus Christ! What is there to envy? What do I lack? Foolish, foolish mind! Am I here for the pleasure of myself? Am I here to be happy? I should hope not! Is not even the fool happy in their folly for a time? If as a result of following Christ I become content, then God may be given the glory for it. If as a result of following Christ I am depressed and ravaged by sorrow, may God be given glory for it. Life is too short to focus on such triffles.

Of Wolf and Shadow

"Shadow am I! Shadow am I!
A question of a person, no said reply
Wolf am I! Wolf and shadow cast on the sheep as I pass by.
Shadow am I! Shadow am I!
or like a wearing-black-socks-and-white-woolen-locks
Wolf am I! And shadow."



It's really hard to admit that you have become all of those things you used to hate about other people. I relate to this song because sometimes I really do feel like a wolf in disquise, while at the same time, and perhaps for the same reasons, I feel like a shadown in that I lack any substance at all. Everything outside of the reality of Christ is false and empty, and I often find myself trying to pursue these things and become false and empty myself as a consequence. I forget who I am in Christ, I forget that life doesn't revolve around me, but Christ, and that other people are of higher value than myself. I think that when I am selfish other people kind of become shadows in a sense too. When I am only concerened with myself, I only see what I want to see in other people, they become two dimentional stereotypes; I fail to see them as living and breathing of their own accord for the purpose Christ has for them. I see my want and need instead of brother and sister. I see hate and animosity instead of love and grace.



"She was graceful and green as a stem,
but I walk heavy on delicate ground.
Oh, there I go showing off again.
Self-impressed by how well I can put myself down...
and there I go again, to the next further removed
level of that same exact feigned humility,
and this for me goes on and on to the point of nausea"

It's strange how fast humility turns into pride.

I think I finally have it together!

I finally think I know how I'm going to organize my paper on Bonhoeffer for my philosophy class. Basically I think what I want to do is seperate out the two different world views he talks about, pre-fall, and post-fall, or if you want to think about it this way living under grace, or living under the law. I think I'm going to try and put it in a modern context. You know, throw in a little bit about "Christian" culture and Moralist Therapeutic Deism. I really think they fit in with what Bonhoeffer is trying to get at as far as both the spiritual and the secular being in the same sphere and not seperate ones, but not taking it too far.

Simplicity and Beauty

Simplicity, apart from being a very good book by Mark Solomon (www.myspace.com/stavesacre), is something that I really can't get my head around. I know that in its essense life is simple, but in some weird way I am incapable of living that way. Right now my stomach is in knots for no real reason I can think of. Anxiety is weird. I used to give this girl I dated so much crap because she was anxious all the time (yes, I was/am a jerk) and here I am struggling with it. I probably struggled with it then too, but anyway, its a lot of the reason I sit and think and never do. I think that belief isn't really belief unless it is acted upon. God speaks things into being. His word is action. I think that our actions and words should be linked like that. I'm still wondering what I am anxious about though, someone always tells me "You can't be anxious for no reason, there has to be something to be anxious about" I suspect that he is right.

I heard these guys talking in the caf a few minutes ago and one of them said "There are no attractive girls here at all." and it made think about it. I have this theory that really isn't my theory at all about how perspective is so skewed that when a guy sees a girl he only sees anatomy and not a person. So, I wonder what beauty really is. I know the cross is beautiful. Sacrifice is probably the most beautiful thing there is. Anyway, I have to go back to work bleh. time to shelve books. Then Arabic class at 4.

Movement and Repose

"If they ask you for a sign of the Father you can tell them it's movement; movement and repose." - Paper Hanger by mewithoutYou

I've been thinking a lot. I just finished reading Creation and Fall by Dietrich Bonhoeffer and it was great. Everything he talked about really reaffirmed what I already believe. I think that judgement and sin are inextricably linked together because we want to justify ourselves and our behavior while condeming others in order to feel better about ourselves. We have freedom that God has given us, but we use it for ourselves and our own selfish desire instead of for others. We fail to see the Imago Dei in other people. I find the thought of the "analogia relationis" appealing. That we are to be like God in the sense that we are to be for God and for other people only. That is how we were designed. Awesome.

"Christianity is a state of being, not a list of rules to follow" - Matt Chandler
I'm not sure if that is a direct quote or not because I'm doing this from memory, but I love that he said that. I've been thinking that for a while, that Christianity is a state of being. I think that as God is "I am who I am" we must simply be "I am who I am" for other people. Lets stop trying to cover ourselves with good works or pleasure or guilt and shame. Who are we other than what we are created to be? What else is there other than to walk in obedience with the creator who loves us and wants to sustain us? We should be naked and unashamed always. Of course, none of this is possible on our own. I don't want anyone to think that is what I am saying. In Christ, through Christ, and for Christ all of these things are possible and in fact should be occuring in a Christians life to some extent or another.