Hell Crabs, Fig Knuckles, and Horseradish!

Holy crap! I'm pretty sure I just had one of the worst experiences in my life (overexaggeration I'm sure, but it feels like it). The whole Bonhoefffer talk totally exploded all over my face lol. I hadn't even thought anyone would take it the way they did, but I guess talking about submission to authority isn't exactly a hit these days. Pretty much I just talked about how the human ability to judge, or to decide, things is a product of the fallen state of mankind, and that we have to submit to another authority in order to see things as they really are. And for me, as I was preparing this I only ever thought about it as a good thing. I don't have to be anything to anyone. I don't have to bear the world upon my shoulders and try and wade my way through the mess of decisions one comes across. Jesus is always the answer, and my submission to him is always the right move. I didn't think about it at all from a view of someone who doesn't believe those things and how the individual is the utmost in our society, how submission is frowned upon (isn't that what terrorist do? No, sir, that is completely contingent upon what they are submitting too) and then disaster...
Guy in class: "Do you really believe any of that?"
Correct answer: "FO SHO!"
my answer: "...maybe?..."
I hate being a coward.

the facade of choice

so, I was talking with my friend earlier and I had a really hard time explaining some of the things I've been thinking about lately to her. I thought it might be beneficial to try and and write some of this out on here. I think the thing I told that particular person might have to wait because I'm not quite sure if it is beneficial to anyone right now ( I honestly made the mistake of not thinking about whether what I was telling her was beneficial or not when we were talking).

Funny enough, I was talking with a different friend earlier and I said something about liking at least to have a facade of choice when doing things. Kind of like when your mom "asks" you to take out the trash. I was thinking about it earlier and I realized that is a good way to describe something I've been thinking about lately: whether possibility, or the ability to do/think/be "good" or "Evil" exist at all.

Within finite human perception, the ultimatum of "good" and "evil" must always at least appear to exist. I don't think we are really capable of fully thinking about it any other way than this. However, from a "top down view" or God's view of human kind it becomes harder to distinguish . The main focus of this will be Adam and Eve's eating of the tree and the deception of the snake in the garden as well as using the above mentioned "asking" of parents analogy. I guess the real question I'm trying to ask is if it is possible to be outside the will of God (evil) or is evil something else entirely?

I'm not going to be able to do all of this in one post, but this is basically where we are going:

1- True nature of the universe:God as the creator and man as the creation
2- The lie of the Serpent: the facade of choice
3- False nature of the universe: man as the creator and God as the creation
4- Conclusion: Jesus Christ and the restoration of all things.

Not all of this is clear cut, I mean, I'm going to try and include scripture in my thoughts and things because I think it is arrogant and dangerous to rely on intellect alone, and if you have questions or thoughts, or want to point out that I am blatantly wrong and rebuke me you are more than welcome. I am not above reproach. I'll try and get this started tomorrow.

break it down until it's broke down!

"As the night-time shined like day it saw my sorry face and hair a mess
But it liked me best that way... besides, how else could I confess?
When I looked down like if to pray,Well, I was looking down her dress... good God!
Please, catch for us the foxes in the vineyard... the little foxes."

God is good. I'm so glad that it's finally starting to sink in that I don't have to impress Him, and that I don't have to impress anyone else either for that matter. He loves and I respond with obedience because I love Him too. He fills me with His love and it overflows into every part of my life and (hopefully) into other people too. I'm not talking about fake piety, I've done and did that. "Look at how humble I am! look!" haha. No one is looking, thank God! If they were, maybe I never would have had the foolishness of it all revealed to me. I think some people look at our relationship with God as an "adding to..." like, you can act the same, and do the same things that you used too, and just have God in addition to those things. I think of it more as a "taking off of..." We are who we are, we continue to do and be who we are, and one by one, or for some, all at once, God exposes all of the things we are bound too and offers us himself in their stead for the rest of our lives. He takes off all the pretense that we coat ourselves in to protect all the hurt and divorce from Him we hide inside. He wants us to be like Jesus Christ, the true man, and to walk naked and unashamed in front of Him. The more I think about it, the more I realize how unlived my life has been thus far. This is it! THIS IS IT!! The truth! The pearl of great price! The treasure in the field that you bury and sell all other things for!!!

cool stuff...not so cool stuff

cool stuff:
http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/resources/video/The-Grand-Demythologizer-The-Gospel-and-Idolatry

that is awesome. I think I know all to well what my idols are. I think I have a hard time resisting the idol of romance. I like being needed and I feel like I'm not a lot of the time. It's hard. Right now the bottom line is that girls just complicate things, I'm not ready for that kind of thing with them, and they aren't ready for me either. Friendship seems to last longer anyway haha. Pastor Keller is totally right when he says that idols destroy rather than fulfill like we think they will. I can't tell you how many friendships have been ruined because of that particular one for me. I'm sorry for that if you are one of the girls who has been affected by that. I have been very selfish. The best cure for these types of things though is just to fall more in love with Jesus :-D which is awesome because that sounds very appealing to me haha.

not cool stuff:
I've really been fighting wanting things from people and its a hard beast to put down. I honestly believe that I don't have the right to expect anything from anyone, but its easier said than done as far as living that way goes. Our culture thrives on ideology which is in my opinion a hinderance to the gospel. It makes Jesus some abstract idea instead of a part of the God who interacts with the world, loving, sustaining, and caring for her. How can I see God correctly if I can't view other people correctly? (vice versa is true also) I'm so tired of the little boxes I have people in.

A letter to the past.

Dear past,

I don't think I've been very fair to you. I always down play the good things and amplify the negative. The bitter over takes the sweet, but I don't believe in bad people anymore. I can't think like I used to. I told someone a few months ago that she just needed to "get over" the past, and I don't think that was very good advice. I think better advice would be learn to embrace the past, the mistakes, the failures (yours and others), and let go of trying to make sense of any of it. God is the only one who can sort through the past and make any sense of it. It's best left in His capable hands (eaiser said than done). Anyway, past, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for trying to fight against who I used to be so much and I'm sorry for trying to justify who I am by what I am currently doing. Christ justifies, not me. I am no man/woman's judge. Sorry for giving you such a bad wrap.


Zack

Rejoice! Rejoice!

I woke up this morning with a belly full of joy in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! What could possibly go wrong? haha :-D

work, Brand New, other stuff...

I'm at work right now, and it's pretty dull right. Printin' papers off for peeps. So, I had heard a lot about this band called Brand New, and had never had enough motivation to check them out, and I decided to do that this week. Good decision. I really like the stuff a lot. It's very angsty, but not in like an overdone type way. Also, As Cities Burn came out with a new record this week Hell or High Water and it is very tasty. http://music.aol.com/new-releases-full-cds/#/9 <--- click that to check out the whole album. Alas, however, my true love, though she approaches, is still 26 days away... When will you be mine new mewithoutYou album? when will you be mine to hold and cherish!?

Other things...

I've had this deep urge lately to write something epic. Not like self-indulgent epic, but just broad and encompassing all of the different avenues of thought I've traveled lately. I think that I want to stop using the term "christian" this or "Christian" that, so I just want to say that whatever I write, or if I ever decide to write this, it would be something with christian themes in it. I guess I will have to explain why I believe that distinction is important at some point, but I don't really feel like it right now lol. Anyway, I really want to write about the Grace of God, and how wonderful and all encompassing it is. I want to write about how nothing really matters at all outside of it. Just about journies through despair and self-loathing, to grace, hope, love and this thing I have inside of me that kind of feels like despair, but its not, its different. The last thing is really hard to explain, its like a despair for other people and the world and not for myself so much anymore.

past, present, future.

Have you ever seen someone/something that has reminded you of who you used to be, what you used to do, and how you used to think about things? I've been running into a lot of people I used to think a lot about, but don't anymore.
Weird.
Anyway, whenever I see people I haven't talked to in a while, or at all in some cases, I think about what was going on in my life at that time and things. The last 2 years have been crazy to put it lightly. I'd like to think I've changed a lot. I think for the better. I realize that a lot of who I was before now was just pretense. Layers and layers of "what do people think of me?" "am I good enough?" "did I do that right?" "should I have done that?" ect...the list is infinite in its depth and triviality. I think I've become a lot more raw, maliable, real.
I don't want to be the boy who runs away to the things that comfort him whenever things get hard; who makes mistakes whenever he can't make sense of things; who hurts people because he would rather have them angry than indifferent.
I want to be the man who can say, "Life is rough right now, and even though I cannot see it, God is good and working!" or "I feel tempted to do (fill in the blank with any type of vice, selfishnesss, or malice) but the Lord Jesus Christ is true so the thing I am tempted to do must be false." or even "I AM NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE. OTHER PEOPLE ARE THREE DIMENTIONAL AND I REFUSE TO NARROW THEM DOWN TO A LEVEL SUFFICIENT FOR MY OWN UNDERSTANDING!" God knows people more deeply than I could ever hope to know them. His word is trustworthy, so I need to follow it. It reveals the truth about men. How could I have been so blind to this for so long? (Everything in Your timing I know) It just seems so obvious now. The love of God and the love of neighbor are the central concerns of man. Anything else is pretense and coating over the image of God in man with the image of man in man, or in other words, anything else is man assuming man is the origin of all things and refuses to see God as the origin of all things. This may not sound like to big of a deal, but it changes EVERYTHING. When we see our selves as the origin, we also see ourselves as the middle of all existance. Everything, including other people, becomes about ourselves.

reality and possibility

Human Judgement always centers around possibility.
"What is" against "what should be"
but if the reality of the world solely consist in Jesus Christ,
then isn't "What is" as it "should be"?
Jesus Christ holds everything in the palm of His hand,
everything is where he wants it be. So what does this mean for us?
Maybe it means that thinking about things in terms of "good" and "evil"
is wrong. Maybe it means that our search for meaning in these things is just
confabulation. Maybe there are actions in this world that the human mind
cannot comprehend Jesus Christ in and that they must remain "meaningless" for us.
Maybe it means not trying to see hope, but knowing it is there none-the-less.
perhaps it even means clinging to the cross even when we don't feel like it.
even when it doesn't make sense too. even when there are things in your past
you have trouble with sometimes. Maybe those only have meaning in Jesus Christ,
and we cannot understand them. We have to trust. We have to hope. Not in the possibility
that Christ meant all of the things He said, but in the reality that those things have to be true
because Christ said them.

somethin' I found

I found this on my facebook today. I don't even remember writing it, but I like it, it fits.

Can you see through my heart made of stone?
Will you excavate to find the flesh beneath?
I'm not sure what you'll see, minimal essentials at best.
But your hands bare the callouses of a man
who knows what it is to work, and I am desperate for this.
I need you to breakthrough. This hardening of the heart will
in the end consume me, and I feel I am
meant to be consumed, but not by this.
Long ago you placed a fire in my bones
I've done my best to smother it and
destroy it, but it burns on.
It won't go away and the smoke rises through my
lungs and out my mouth. It cannot be
prevented. It escapes through the
workings of my hands. So, You've
shown me that I can be more
than what I am right now. I am more than
the sum of my parts. but my heart stops
short of you, and the body suffers.

more thoughts

I'm kind of irritated at myself right now. I don't really know why I'm writing this on here lol, but I have a really hard time not expecting things of other people. It all comes out of vanity and pride too, that I think I am somebody worth some kind of attention. It's all quite silly and pretentious, but it is there none-the-less. I have a hard time celebrating in the joy of my brothers and sisters because secretly I envy them. It usually doesn't matter what they are happy about, just that they seem to have something that I don't. I take my eyes of Christ, and I center them on the self again. I am the only one entitled to happiness. lol how rediculous. Any type of joy or happiness is a gracious gift from Jesus Christ! What is there to envy? What do I lack? Foolish, foolish mind! Am I here for the pleasure of myself? Am I here to be happy? I should hope not! Is not even the fool happy in their folly for a time? If as a result of following Christ I become content, then God may be given the glory for it. If as a result of following Christ I am depressed and ravaged by sorrow, may God be given glory for it. Life is too short to focus on such triffles.

Of Wolf and Shadow

"Shadow am I! Shadow am I!
A question of a person, no said reply
Wolf am I! Wolf and shadow cast on the sheep as I pass by.
Shadow am I! Shadow am I!
or like a wearing-black-socks-and-white-woolen-locks
Wolf am I! And shadow."



It's really hard to admit that you have become all of those things you used to hate about other people. I relate to this song because sometimes I really do feel like a wolf in disquise, while at the same time, and perhaps for the same reasons, I feel like a shadown in that I lack any substance at all. Everything outside of the reality of Christ is false and empty, and I often find myself trying to pursue these things and become false and empty myself as a consequence. I forget who I am in Christ, I forget that life doesn't revolve around me, but Christ, and that other people are of higher value than myself. I think that when I am selfish other people kind of become shadows in a sense too. When I am only concerened with myself, I only see what I want to see in other people, they become two dimentional stereotypes; I fail to see them as living and breathing of their own accord for the purpose Christ has for them. I see my want and need instead of brother and sister. I see hate and animosity instead of love and grace.



"She was graceful and green as a stem,
but I walk heavy on delicate ground.
Oh, there I go showing off again.
Self-impressed by how well I can put myself down...
and there I go again, to the next further removed
level of that same exact feigned humility,
and this for me goes on and on to the point of nausea"

It's strange how fast humility turns into pride.

I think I finally have it together!

I finally think I know how I'm going to organize my paper on Bonhoeffer for my philosophy class. Basically I think what I want to do is seperate out the two different world views he talks about, pre-fall, and post-fall, or if you want to think about it this way living under grace, or living under the law. I think I'm going to try and put it in a modern context. You know, throw in a little bit about "Christian" culture and Moralist Therapeutic Deism. I really think they fit in with what Bonhoeffer is trying to get at as far as both the spiritual and the secular being in the same sphere and not seperate ones, but not taking it too far.

Simplicity and Beauty

Simplicity, apart from being a very good book by Mark Solomon (www.myspace.com/stavesacre), is something that I really can't get my head around. I know that in its essense life is simple, but in some weird way I am incapable of living that way. Right now my stomach is in knots for no real reason I can think of. Anxiety is weird. I used to give this girl I dated so much crap because she was anxious all the time (yes, I was/am a jerk) and here I am struggling with it. I probably struggled with it then too, but anyway, its a lot of the reason I sit and think and never do. I think that belief isn't really belief unless it is acted upon. God speaks things into being. His word is action. I think that our actions and words should be linked like that. I'm still wondering what I am anxious about though, someone always tells me "You can't be anxious for no reason, there has to be something to be anxious about" I suspect that he is right.

I heard these guys talking in the caf a few minutes ago and one of them said "There are no attractive girls here at all." and it made think about it. I have this theory that really isn't my theory at all about how perspective is so skewed that when a guy sees a girl he only sees anatomy and not a person. So, I wonder what beauty really is. I know the cross is beautiful. Sacrifice is probably the most beautiful thing there is. Anyway, I have to go back to work bleh. time to shelve books. Then Arabic class at 4.

Movement and Repose

"If they ask you for a sign of the Father you can tell them it's movement; movement and repose." - Paper Hanger by mewithoutYou

I've been thinking a lot. I just finished reading Creation and Fall by Dietrich Bonhoeffer and it was great. Everything he talked about really reaffirmed what I already believe. I think that judgement and sin are inextricably linked together because we want to justify ourselves and our behavior while condeming others in order to feel better about ourselves. We have freedom that God has given us, but we use it for ourselves and our own selfish desire instead of for others. We fail to see the Imago Dei in other people. I find the thought of the "analogia relationis" appealing. That we are to be like God in the sense that we are to be for God and for other people only. That is how we were designed. Awesome.

"Christianity is a state of being, not a list of rules to follow" - Matt Chandler
I'm not sure if that is a direct quote or not because I'm doing this from memory, but I love that he said that. I've been thinking that for a while, that Christianity is a state of being. I think that as God is "I am who I am" we must simply be "I am who I am" for other people. Lets stop trying to cover ourselves with good works or pleasure or guilt and shame. Who are we other than what we are created to be? What else is there other than to walk in obedience with the creator who loves us and wants to sustain us? We should be naked and unashamed always. Of course, none of this is possible on our own. I don't want anyone to think that is what I am saying. In Christ, through Christ, and for Christ all of these things are possible and in fact should be occuring in a Christians life to some extent or another.