I read this article by Stephen Christian of Anberlin. http://www.relevantmagazine.com/community/blogs/YOUR-IRON-RUSTS.html
and this line stuck out to me,
"Do not tell me what you plan to do, tell me of what you have done.
Do not tell me what your hopes are, tell me what hope you have shared.
Do not tell me how hard you will try, but how exhausted you are from the fight and the victory that followed."
And it suddenly dawned on me that I've been looking at everything from the wrong angle. I look at things that need to be done, the person I want to become, the things I want to work on, ect. from the angle of "this is what I plan to do" but I miss the FACT that Jesus already accomplished everything on the cross. "It is finished" right? My pastor always tells me to look at things from a "top down" angle and not from a "bottom up" one, and I think I finally am starting to see it. I need to stop thinking about what I want to accomplish and start thinking about what Jesus has already accomplished in me and how He is getting rid of everything that doesn't reflect this change that has already occured. Planning things is good, it has its place, but we should not speak of plans, maybe those are things we keep to ourselves, we should only speak of the things that we are already doing. I'm done planning. Let's be doers of the word.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Random thoughts I just had.
I'm at work right now, and I just had a weird thought. There is this line from the new mewithoutYou album, from the song "Bullet to Binary (pt. 2) that captures a lot of what I've been thinking about lately.
"...You project on her your inward scene
she's a blank external movie screen..."
Is it possible that we don't see people for who they are, but rather, for who they are only in relation to ourselves? I mean, that we only see the aspects of people that we see or do not see coinciding with our own existance. Example: Everytime I see a girl if I immediately think about whether I could date her or not. Better example: I don't hang out with anybody that I don't get some kind of mutual pleasure from.
If we only try and see ourselves in other people we will never be able to love them the way God does. We need to find a way to love them as wholey seperate beings. There is no point in constantly comparing ourselves to others or vice versa. We are not God; other people were not made in our image, or we in theirs, but the image of God. We project ourselves onto Him too though, that makes things difficult.
"...You project on her your inward scene
she's a blank external movie screen..."
Is it possible that we don't see people for who they are, but rather, for who they are only in relation to ourselves? I mean, that we only see the aspects of people that we see or do not see coinciding with our own existance. Example: Everytime I see a girl if I immediately think about whether I could date her or not. Better example: I don't hang out with anybody that I don't get some kind of mutual pleasure from.
If we only try and see ourselves in other people we will never be able to love them the way God does. We need to find a way to love them as wholey seperate beings. There is no point in constantly comparing ourselves to others or vice versa. We are not God; other people were not made in our image, or we in theirs, but the image of God. We project ourselves onto Him too though, that makes things difficult.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Thoughts on Culture, Narcissism, and Perception
I've been reading about these books: The Culture of Narcissism,and The Society of the Spectacle. I find it interesting that one can draw conclusions from these books without having even read them.
Culture of Narcissism: We don't know who we are so we obsess over ourselves. (Displacement)
Society of the Spectacle: Things and shades of things have hidden the true reality of the world from us. (Displacement)
Now insert the intro from Blindside's "The Great Depression" -
We are the sons and daughters of a revolution
Revolutionaries walking us out of oppression and into a no-law promised land
Where there is no right or wrong
And this leaves us with a great sense of sadness growing inside our soul
No one can explain where it's coming from
Or where it's taking us
We just know that something is lost
That somehow we are lost
And this, my friend, is the great depression
There is an absolute that our culture hides from us. We look for it in the pursuit of ourselves, things, ideas, ect. but it is nowhere to be found. 2 conclusions can be drawn: Therefore there is no absolute (an absolute in itself), or there is an absolute that lies wholey outside of these things. The guy who wrote "The society of spectacle" says that a total revolution is needed in order to get out of the current state of things. This is false, because in todays society, all they have to do is start marketing the revolution and it is over. Example: Punk rock goes from anti-consumer, anti-market, to a marketable consumer item in how long...? No one wants to face the fact that the real problem lies within the idea of the self to begin with. It is the Self that draws us to the knumb and the comfortable. People want to blame all of this stuff on capitalism, or buisnesses, ect. but the truth is they only sell it because we want it. The opposite of this is true as well. The sooner everyone realizes that Man can only truly know himself when he realizes that he is only a reflection of God. This is not merely our function, it is our being. That is the ultimate truth behind things. God holds all goodness and purity within himself, meaning that everything outside of Himself is impure, unless He imparts His goodness upon it. We are only good when God declares us good. We are only pure when God declares us pure. When we take these things into our own hands they cease to be what they are and become mere shadows. Why? Because it's not reality. Everything outside of God is abscence unless he makes it good through his command and deed. Thank God for Jesus Christ our Holy mediatior who does this for us. Amen.
**Edit** I re-read this just now, and I think I failed to mention how the spectacle and the narcissism interact. Basically, I think A- either people try and "find themselves" in the spectacle, whatever that might be, or B- I don't think it would be too far fetched to say that some people see themselves as the spectacle. How many people have visited my blog/website lately? How many friends do I have on facebook? ect...
Culture of Narcissism: We don't know who we are so we obsess over ourselves. (Displacement)
Society of the Spectacle: Things and shades of things have hidden the true reality of the world from us. (Displacement)
Now insert the intro from Blindside's "The Great Depression" -
We are the sons and daughters of a revolution
Revolutionaries walking us out of oppression and into a no-law promised land
Where there is no right or wrong
And this leaves us with a great sense of sadness growing inside our soul
No one can explain where it's coming from
Or where it's taking us
We just know that something is lost
That somehow we are lost
And this, my friend, is the great depression
There is an absolute that our culture hides from us. We look for it in the pursuit of ourselves, things, ideas, ect. but it is nowhere to be found. 2 conclusions can be drawn: Therefore there is no absolute (an absolute in itself), or there is an absolute that lies wholey outside of these things. The guy who wrote "The society of spectacle" says that a total revolution is needed in order to get out of the current state of things. This is false, because in todays society, all they have to do is start marketing the revolution and it is over. Example: Punk rock goes from anti-consumer, anti-market, to a marketable consumer item in how long...? No one wants to face the fact that the real problem lies within the idea of the self to begin with. It is the Self that draws us to the knumb and the comfortable. People want to blame all of this stuff on capitalism, or buisnesses, ect. but the truth is they only sell it because we want it. The opposite of this is true as well. The sooner everyone realizes that Man can only truly know himself when he realizes that he is only a reflection of God. This is not merely our function, it is our being. That is the ultimate truth behind things. God holds all goodness and purity within himself, meaning that everything outside of Himself is impure, unless He imparts His goodness upon it. We are only good when God declares us good. We are only pure when God declares us pure. When we take these things into our own hands they cease to be what they are and become mere shadows. Why? Because it's not reality. Everything outside of God is abscence unless he makes it good through his command and deed. Thank God for Jesus Christ our Holy mediatior who does this for us. Amen.
**Edit** I re-read this just now, and I think I failed to mention how the spectacle and the narcissism interact. Basically, I think A- either people try and "find themselves" in the spectacle, whatever that might be, or B- I don't think it would be too far fetched to say that some people see themselves as the spectacle. How many people have visited my blog/website lately? How many friends do I have on facebook? ect...
Friday, May 22, 2009
reformed theology and Christian mysticism
I've been doing research on these two topics all day, I am absolutley fascinated by both of them. This is interesting because from what I have gathered most people seem to find them incompatible. I don't think they are though, people just don't understand what is meant by "mysticism" they get scared because its not concrete or analytical. It sounds way too much like this post-modern thing. Once again, I think we are just misunderstanding the mystic's way of describing things. Unity with God is a big thing for them. I think that is a goal of reformed theology as well, we just go about it a different way, or call it different things. What's the difference between "disciplining myself in order to be more Christ like" or "taking off the new flesh and putting on Christ" they mean the same thing don't they? I just think that reformed theology gets too caught up in the definitions sometimes to see the interconnectedness of everything, which perhaps is what the mystic focuses too much on. Anyway, these are just primary thoughts right now. I'm reading the Theologia Germanica that I found for free on the internet right now. I don't see anything heretical in it. I don't see anything wrong in promoting humility and complete subjegation to Christ. Mysticism and Bonhoeffer have a lot in common too. how much more mystical can you get than "only the crucified man is at peace with God"? he certainly doesn't mean that we must be literally crucifed, but at the same time he does mean that for Jesus. The cross is where every paradox you can think of meets. The wrath of God and the peace of God meet at the cross. God can't be ununified (peace) and yet Jesus was seperated (wrath). crazy stuff. He says "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" while at the very same time being God. Paradox. Mystery. Mystic.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
A poem
I haven't shared anything in a while, so I thought I would share a poem I wrote sometime this semester, I don't remember exactly when.
I am the upper hand.
I am the conquerer.
with a deftness only the bloodied man
can know, I purge you from the land of
the broken.New creation, arise and
don't look back. You will not wither
for I sustain you.You will not be cut down
for I have stayed the executioners hand.
No, don't look back
to that winter. Spring
brings with it the
taste of all things new.
Go out and live as was intended.
Naked, void of pretense;
free to live in obedience in the reality
of My love for you.
This is not possible, it only ever is.
"I am who I am"
now go be who you must be in light of this.
I am the upper hand.
I am the conquerer.
with a deftness only the bloodied man
can know, I purge you from the land of
the broken.New creation, arise and
don't look back. You will not wither
for I sustain you.You will not be cut down
for I have stayed the executioners hand.
No, don't look back
to that winter. Spring
brings with it the
taste of all things new.
Go out and live as was intended.
Naked, void of pretense;
free to live in obedience in the reality
of My love for you.
This is not possible, it only ever is.
"I am who I am"
now go be who you must be in light of this.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
On forgiveness...
"we all well know,
we're gonna reap what we sow
but Grace, we all know,
can take the place of all we owe
so why not let's Forgive
everyone
everywhere
everything
all the time?"
I am a fan. Marissa and I talked today (sort of) and had a chance to apologize for everything. It was nice. I still don't think I can be friends. I don't trust myself not to do something stupid, but I'm glad neither of us seems to be worse off for all of it. God is good and His grace can redeem our selfishness in ways we could never dream of. I know it doesn't always work out like this. I know someday there will be a rift with someone because of sin, or maybe even just circumstances, that won't be able to be redeemed for one reason or another, and I know that will hurt a lot. But for now, I rejoice in the reconciling of His grace and all that has come of this, both the good and the bad (in the end, it seems like they are both really the same thing). Anyway, I was really excited about God randomly doing this, so I thought I would share about it.
we're gonna reap what we sow
but Grace, we all know,
can take the place of all we owe
so why not let's Forgive
everyone
everywhere
everything
all the time?"
I am a fan. Marissa and I talked today (sort of) and had a chance to apologize for everything. It was nice. I still don't think I can be friends. I don't trust myself not to do something stupid, but I'm glad neither of us seems to be worse off for all of it. God is good and His grace can redeem our selfishness in ways we could never dream of. I know it doesn't always work out like this. I know someday there will be a rift with someone because of sin, or maybe even just circumstances, that won't be able to be redeemed for one reason or another, and I know that will hurt a lot. But for now, I rejoice in the reconciling of His grace and all that has come of this, both the good and the bad (in the end, it seems like they are both really the same thing). Anyway, I was really excited about God randomly doing this, so I thought I would share about it.
"It's all crazy! It's all false! It's all a dream! It's alright" review
This is a review in progress. I've only listened to the album 5 times so far, so don't expect too much.
First impressions:
The new mewithoutYou album is epic. I know it is epic because I don't like everything on it from the first listen. It's not sensuous ear candy. Catch for us the Foxes took me 6 months to get into, but when it clicked I listened to it everyday for almost 2 years (no joke). Brother, Sister took me a while to get into as well, but it is still in regular rotation. mewithoutYou records are not about instant satisfaction, they are about longevity. These are the type of albums you lock yourself in your room to listen to and just pour over the lyrics while you listen to the album over and over again and don't you dare even think about skipping any tracks, because that will ruin the experience. I'm thinking I'd like to do a song by song analysis going over the various themes contained within each song because you miss stuff if you don't, and I don't want to miss anything. The lyrics are always center stage with mewithoutYou, you can count on that. Even songs like "Yellow Spider" have huge spiritual themes that need to be chewed on for a long time before being swallowed. That's the problem with most music now days is that you can swallow it whole without much contemplation. Tsk Tsk. Anyway, I'll add to this in about a week or so when I've listened to the album some more. Idealy I'd like to start with the first song and then just go straight through the whole album.
First impressions:
The new mewithoutYou album is epic. I know it is epic because I don't like everything on it from the first listen. It's not sensuous ear candy. Catch for us the Foxes took me 6 months to get into, but when it clicked I listened to it everyday for almost 2 years (no joke). Brother, Sister took me a while to get into as well, but it is still in regular rotation. mewithoutYou records are not about instant satisfaction, they are about longevity. These are the type of albums you lock yourself in your room to listen to and just pour over the lyrics while you listen to the album over and over again and don't you dare even think about skipping any tracks, because that will ruin the experience. I'm thinking I'd like to do a song by song analysis going over the various themes contained within each song because you miss stuff if you don't, and I don't want to miss anything. The lyrics are always center stage with mewithoutYou, you can count on that. Even songs like "Yellow Spider" have huge spiritual themes that need to be chewed on for a long time before being swallowed. That's the problem with most music now days is that you can swallow it whole without much contemplation. Tsk Tsk. Anyway, I'll add to this in about a week or so when I've listened to the album some more. Idealy I'd like to start with the first song and then just go straight through the whole album.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
brief review of this years events.
Brief review of this school year:
Got back from Sambica completely exhausted and moved into the apartment. Started school 3 days later.
Huge spiritual crisis = very yes.
Started liking this girl in Science class, proceeded to make mistakes.
Had prayer walks around campus with Simeon in the early mornings. My heart wasn't in any of it, but I felt like God could still use it somehow. I'll remember those lessons for a while I think.
Started getting back into the groove of things, started reading "Ethics" by Bonhoeffer and it very much helped reinvigorate my spirit and get my mind turning in all sorts of new directions. "Only the crucified man is at peace with God" almost blows my mind as much as "Let God be true and everyman a liar"
Proceed to Christmas break where (suprisingly) rest and relaxation actually occur. (Calvin commentaries!!!)
School starts.
Andy's wedding?!?! (Still can't get my mind around that, are people I've known since middle school actually getting married?)
Meet Girl.
Date Girl.
Break up with Girl. *God's provincial grace*
Become self-absorbed over Girl.
Started meeting with Pastor Dave (awesome). One of the first talks we had was like getting a brick thrown straight at my face and having it hit dead on. Selfishness= very yes, but reduction is possible when exposed to Jesus Christ.
Not in any particular order: repentence, more mistake making, more repentance. Trying to be less selfish. Trying to be more focused on other people and Jesus instead of myself (insignificant). Read Creation and Fall by Bonhoeffer.
I'm sure there is more to it than that, but thats about all I can remember at the moment. This has been a strange and wonderful school year marked by a lot of self-impossed suffering and some much needed repentance and submission. God is so very good and patient. I don't know what this next summer/school year will hold at all. I'm nervous about some things and excited about others. I want to grow closer to Him by becoming less. I want to figure out what seeing Him as the center of all existance really looks like. I know that I make things a lot messier than they need to be, some people come to this place without the casualties and the struggle, but God knows I have to be difficult. I have to take it as far as it can go or I don't feel satisfied.
Reading list for the summer:
Bible:
Romans
1 and 2 Corinthians
all of the Johns
Exodus
Psalms
Isaiah
Other stuff:
Finish "Christian History in Plain Language"
Finish " Vintage Jesus"
Start "Total Church"
Start "Systematic Theology"
Start "Humility"
If I have time:
"Institutes of the Christian Religion"
"On the Bondage of the Will"
"Epistle to the Romans" (Karl Barth commentary)
John Piper/N.T. Right (The whole Justification debate thing thats going on would be cool to read about)
That should keep me busy!
Got back from Sambica completely exhausted and moved into the apartment. Started school 3 days later.
Huge spiritual crisis = very yes.
Started liking this girl in Science class, proceeded to make mistakes.
Had prayer walks around campus with Simeon in the early mornings. My heart wasn't in any of it, but I felt like God could still use it somehow. I'll remember those lessons for a while I think.
Started getting back into the groove of things, started reading "Ethics" by Bonhoeffer and it very much helped reinvigorate my spirit and get my mind turning in all sorts of new directions. "Only the crucified man is at peace with God" almost blows my mind as much as "Let God be true and everyman a liar"
Proceed to Christmas break where (suprisingly) rest and relaxation actually occur. (Calvin commentaries!!!)
School starts.
Andy's wedding?!?! (Still can't get my mind around that, are people I've known since middle school actually getting married?)
Meet Girl.
Date Girl.
Break up with Girl. *God's provincial grace*
Become self-absorbed over Girl.
Started meeting with Pastor Dave (awesome). One of the first talks we had was like getting a brick thrown straight at my face and having it hit dead on. Selfishness= very yes, but reduction is possible when exposed to Jesus Christ.
Not in any particular order: repentence, more mistake making, more repentance. Trying to be less selfish. Trying to be more focused on other people and Jesus instead of myself (insignificant). Read Creation and Fall by Bonhoeffer.
I'm sure there is more to it than that, but thats about all I can remember at the moment. This has been a strange and wonderful school year marked by a lot of self-impossed suffering and some much needed repentance and submission. God is so very good and patient. I don't know what this next summer/school year will hold at all. I'm nervous about some things and excited about others. I want to grow closer to Him by becoming less. I want to figure out what seeing Him as the center of all existance really looks like. I know that I make things a lot messier than they need to be, some people come to this place without the casualties and the struggle, but God knows I have to be difficult. I have to take it as far as it can go or I don't feel satisfied.
Reading list for the summer:
Bible:
Romans
1 and 2 Corinthians
all of the Johns
Exodus
Psalms
Isaiah
Other stuff:
Finish "Christian History in Plain Language"
Finish " Vintage Jesus"
Start "Total Church"
Start "Systematic Theology"
Start "Humility"
If I have time:
"Institutes of the Christian Religion"
"On the Bondage of the Will"
"Epistle to the Romans" (Karl Barth commentary)
John Piper/N.T. Right (The whole Justification debate thing thats going on would be cool to read about)
That should keep me busy!
Friday, May 15, 2009
lost causes
I finished my last final today. I'm pretty sure I failed it. I have no idea what I am doing in school right now at all.
On a better note, the new mewithoutYou album comes out in 4 days! I got an email yesterday that said my pre-order shipped too! (AWESOME) I've also been reading this book on Christian Mysticicsm that I found on google books for free. It's pretty interesting stuff and unfortunatly because of the general misunderstanding of the word "mystic" I think it is a valid part of Christian faith that is either largely under emphisised or else not mentioned at all by American Christians. This isn't a "Paul" or "Apollos" thing, but I really like this mystic side of things that doesn't try and make light of suffering. I read this really cool line in the book equating sin with "non-being" which I found really interesting too because I've been thinking about that a lot myself. If "Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it." Then if God is fullness, (the abscence of nothing), then what can darkness be but abscence? Anything that is not the pursuit of fullness, which is the pursuit of Christ must be the pursuit of abscence, or nothingingness, non-being, whatever. I think that each one of us is kind of like a mirror to reflect God's glory and we try and coat over that with this nothingness and then we try and make it look pretty, we paint it and add and add and add. We are just coats and coats, layers and layers, of silly nothingness hiding the truth that the Holy Spirit imparts, just like that story about the emporer's new clothes. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying that matter is evil and spirit is good or anything so silly. I'm just saying that God is the only thing that matters, and that everything that does not reflect this reality is in a state of non-being, or death. I'm talking about the correct use of things and the false use of them. The correct is that which reflects the glory of God, the false is anything else reflected.
Bleh, these are just random thoughts. I only slept for an hour last night, so most of them are probably heretical or lead away from Christ instead of to Him, if you see anything like that let me know so we can talk about it and I can have a correct view of things, or else you can, however God needs that to work.
"the true light of my eyes is a pearl
equally emptied to equally shine
and all or what little joy in the world
seemed suddenly simple and endlessly mine"
On a better note, the new mewithoutYou album comes out in 4 days! I got an email yesterday that said my pre-order shipped too! (AWESOME) I've also been reading this book on Christian Mysticicsm that I found on google books for free. It's pretty interesting stuff and unfortunatly because of the general misunderstanding of the word "mystic" I think it is a valid part of Christian faith that is either largely under emphisised or else not mentioned at all by American Christians. This isn't a "Paul" or "Apollos" thing, but I really like this mystic side of things that doesn't try and make light of suffering. I read this really cool line in the book equating sin with "non-being" which I found really interesting too because I've been thinking about that a lot myself. If "Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it." Then if God is fullness, (the abscence of nothing), then what can darkness be but abscence? Anything that is not the pursuit of fullness, which is the pursuit of Christ must be the pursuit of abscence, or nothingingness, non-being, whatever. I think that each one of us is kind of like a mirror to reflect God's glory and we try and coat over that with this nothingness and then we try and make it look pretty, we paint it and add and add and add. We are just coats and coats, layers and layers, of silly nothingness hiding the truth that the Holy Spirit imparts, just like that story about the emporer's new clothes. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying that matter is evil and spirit is good or anything so silly. I'm just saying that God is the only thing that matters, and that everything that does not reflect this reality is in a state of non-being, or death. I'm talking about the correct use of things and the false use of them. The correct is that which reflects the glory of God, the false is anything else reflected.
Bleh, these are just random thoughts. I only slept for an hour last night, so most of them are probably heretical or lead away from Christ instead of to Him, if you see anything like that let me know so we can talk about it and I can have a correct view of things, or else you can, however God needs that to work.
"the true light of my eyes is a pearl
equally emptied to equally shine
and all or what little joy in the world
seemed suddenly simple and endlessly mine"
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
nothing to offer
"Where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you
and offer to wash my feet as I offer to disobey you?
Your beauty does bereave me and how my words do fail
so faithfully and dutifuly I award You with betrayal."
I've been thinking a lot about suffering lately, and how Christians are supposed to suffer. I mean the bible makes it pretty darn clear that suffering is not an option for a Christian. The "dark night of the soul" is very real, and I think something that everyone goes through in order to see what this thing is really all about. I can say all the right words and do all the right things. I've been doing that since 5th grade, but what does it mean? Not in a theological sense nessesarily, but in a heart and hands type of way. What does "taking up your cross daily" look like? Who are we? What does "Christian" mean? We have to stop Christianity from being a merely intellectual pursuit. God wants us to stand before Him knowing fully what we are to him, we are men of unclean lips. We are betrayers, whores, and adulterers. Every single one of us must see ourselves as "the worst of all sinners." If we are not slaves to the gospel we are slaves to something else. When hard things come our boundness to it is tested, and we find out whether our beliefs are manifested physically, or if they are just of the mind. Matt Chandler talks about Bulimic Christians and how we digest what we hear in church and then throw it all up in the parking lot. God! I don't want to be that! What type of God is satisfied with that? What type of belief is that? No. No. No. I've been that before (In many ways I still am.). I can't keep doing that, God has made that quite clear to me. I've been reading about this lady named Simone Weil, and she has a lot of good things to say, but the thing that facinates me the most is that she literally starved herself to death because of an ideology she held. I'm not promoting that or anything, but that is what true belief looks like I think. It is believing something and taking it as far as it can go with actions with words and with thoughts. I mean if someone does THAT for a false belief, what should we be doing for a REAL belief? If we don't give everything then we give nothing and don't really believe what we say we do at all.
Of course ultimately it does not depend on our doing; God's grace is sufficient. I think that this giving everythingness is a result of that grace though. I think the two are so closely tied together that they cannot be seperated. God spoke the world into existance. His very word is action. I think we must learn, in our limited way, to speak/do as well.
What does "To live is Christ; to die is gain" really mean?
Life = Christ. How does that work? How do I do that? What does it mean that life is a person?
"What new mistery is this? What blessed backwardness!
The immeasurable one is held and does not resist;
struck by the wicked words and foolish fists of senseless men,
the almighty one does not defend."
and offer to wash my feet as I offer to disobey you?
Your beauty does bereave me and how my words do fail
so faithfully and dutifuly I award You with betrayal."
I've been thinking a lot about suffering lately, and how Christians are supposed to suffer. I mean the bible makes it pretty darn clear that suffering is not an option for a Christian. The "dark night of the soul" is very real, and I think something that everyone goes through in order to see what this thing is really all about. I can say all the right words and do all the right things. I've been doing that since 5th grade, but what does it mean? Not in a theological sense nessesarily, but in a heart and hands type of way. What does "taking up your cross daily" look like? Who are we? What does "Christian" mean? We have to stop Christianity from being a merely intellectual pursuit. God wants us to stand before Him knowing fully what we are to him, we are men of unclean lips. We are betrayers, whores, and adulterers. Every single one of us must see ourselves as "the worst of all sinners." If we are not slaves to the gospel we are slaves to something else. When hard things come our boundness to it is tested, and we find out whether our beliefs are manifested physically, or if they are just of the mind. Matt Chandler talks about Bulimic Christians and how we digest what we hear in church and then throw it all up in the parking lot. God! I don't want to be that! What type of God is satisfied with that? What type of belief is that? No. No. No. I've been that before (In many ways I still am.). I can't keep doing that, God has made that quite clear to me. I've been reading about this lady named Simone Weil, and she has a lot of good things to say, but the thing that facinates me the most is that she literally starved herself to death because of an ideology she held. I'm not promoting that or anything, but that is what true belief looks like I think. It is believing something and taking it as far as it can go with actions with words and with thoughts. I mean if someone does THAT for a false belief, what should we be doing for a REAL belief? If we don't give everything then we give nothing and don't really believe what we say we do at all.
Of course ultimately it does not depend on our doing; God's grace is sufficient. I think that this giving everythingness is a result of that grace though. I think the two are so closely tied together that they cannot be seperated. God spoke the world into existance. His very word is action. I think we must learn, in our limited way, to speak/do as well.
What does "To live is Christ; to die is gain" really mean?
Life = Christ. How does that work? How do I do that? What does it mean that life is a person?
"What new mistery is this? What blessed backwardness!
The immeasurable one is held and does not resist;
struck by the wicked words and foolish fists of senseless men,
the almighty one does not defend."
Monday, May 11, 2009
Something I'm working on...
Sever the life that rebels against what's true.
Forgetting what was to be what is inside of you.
Letting go of all the things that breed such discontent.
All the pleasures of this world are merely suppliment.
I am the empty. There's nothing good inside this heart.
I betray with lips that please but limbs that take no part.
When will I see You clearly? When will I be pure?
I know that only amputation is the cure.
You will begin to sever me from myself.
You will graft in new skin.
I will be whole.
Forgetting what was to be what is inside of you.
Letting go of all the things that breed such discontent.
All the pleasures of this world are merely suppliment.
I am the empty. There's nothing good inside this heart.
I betray with lips that please but limbs that take no part.
When will I see You clearly? When will I be pure?
I know that only amputation is the cure.
You will begin to sever me from myself.
You will graft in new skin.
I will be whole.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
This Madness suits me fine.
"You know you're mine
This madness suits me fine.
Your shadow is my comfort
till the end of time"
Good old project 86! They say it so well. I hope that I can be a fool for Christ today, forever, and always. May He always render the wisdom this world to rubble, and lift up the fools who follow for the sake of the Gospel. The Gospel. That's what it's all about right? I forget that sometimes. I start thinking it is about me and progress. Wrong. It is about other people always. Showing them a different way of doing things. A way that isn't shaped by pretense. True freedom is bondage to Jesus Christ.
This madness suits me fine.
Your shadow is my comfort
till the end of time"
Good old project 86! They say it so well. I hope that I can be a fool for Christ today, forever, and always. May He always render the wisdom this world to rubble, and lift up the fools who follow for the sake of the Gospel. The Gospel. That's what it's all about right? I forget that sometimes. I start thinking it is about me and progress. Wrong. It is about other people always. Showing them a different way of doing things. A way that isn't shaped by pretense. True freedom is bondage to Jesus Christ.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Living a life devoid of pretense
I think that is ultimately what God wants from us. To live openly and honestly with Him and with eachother. We don't need to try and be good people, or bad people. Do we really even have the right to judge the validity of our own actions? I don't think so anymore. I mean if the bible says it is wrong that is different, but even that should not be used to manipulate or control people. The goal of this whole thing is unity with Christ. I guess I should explain what I mean by pretense. Pretense is doing something, saying something, being something for another purpose than Christ. Social acceptance by our peers is pretense. Whether the girl you are into likes you back, or how happy that person makes you is pretense too (not always, but sometimes). Each person for themselves has to find out a way to cease being concerned soley with themselves and learn to be soley concerned for Christ. Through Christ we then proceed to learn how to be soley for other people. This isn't exactly a step 1, step2 thing. but we have to stop doing things for the sake of things. Feeling good is pretense too. Thats scandilous isn't it? but isn't it true? How many times has happiness lead you to Christ instead of away from Him? I think feeling bad can be the same though. It really depends upon the individual. Anyway, just what I've been thinking about.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Nothing new under the sun.
So, I guess this girl I dated for a likkle bit is dating someone else now. I didn't think it would bother me too much because it's not like I see her or talk to her anymore (I've made enough mistakes to make sure that won't happen) and we only dated for like 2 weeks anyway, but it does upset me a little bit. I don't think its because I still like that girl or have feelings for her, but more like she has something that I want. I hate sin, I hate pride, and greed; I hate that those things are so deeply imbedded in me. Why can't I just be happy for her, and have that be the end of it? I was talking with my friend Allie last night and she told me I think too much, and I don't even deny that is a problem I have anymore. I know that is why it all bothers me so much. I dated this girl last year, and she started dating this dude 2 weeks after we broke up and that hurt a lot more than I've really ever expressed to anyone even though I know I was a complete and utter jerk to her and that breaking up with her was the only unselfish thing I ever did.
I am baffled by my own foolishness honestly. I don't know why I think the way I do sometimes and it frustrates me. I don't know why I can't just let things go, or why I hold onto things I shouldn't as long as I do. I think it's because I want to understand, I want there to be a reason that things didn't work out. I want to reduce it all down to "yes" and "no" or "wrong" or" right" and I can't do that. People are more complex than that. Sin is more complex than that. I get frustrated because nothing makes sense. Lately I've started to realize that is a silly thing to be frustrated about though. I have to learn to accept things and people for who they are, the totality of their personhood. I can't fit people into nice categories or try and make them more or less than they are. Not only do I have to do this, but I also must trust the Lord Jesus Christ with everything, I have to trust that the part of people I do see and do understand is not for me to feel like I am in control, but to see how I can serve and love them. That's what it is all about- forgetting the self so we can love God and everyone else. I get frustrated when I try and make it about Zack Day as the center of the universe. Believe it or not, I have a hard time understanding that there are things that go on in this world that I am not apart of; things that have an impact on me because I think that they are about me when they are not at all. Perception is deceptive. Don't trust yourself ever. Christ is the only thing that lets us see others for who they really are. We understand that we are here only to serve Him and other people. Easier said than done.
I am baffled by my own foolishness honestly. I don't know why I think the way I do sometimes and it frustrates me. I don't know why I can't just let things go, or why I hold onto things I shouldn't as long as I do. I think it's because I want to understand, I want there to be a reason that things didn't work out. I want to reduce it all down to "yes" and "no" or "wrong" or" right" and I can't do that. People are more complex than that. Sin is more complex than that. I get frustrated because nothing makes sense. Lately I've started to realize that is a silly thing to be frustrated about though. I have to learn to accept things and people for who they are, the totality of their personhood. I can't fit people into nice categories or try and make them more or less than they are. Not only do I have to do this, but I also must trust the Lord Jesus Christ with everything, I have to trust that the part of people I do see and do understand is not for me to feel like I am in control, but to see how I can serve and love them. That's what it is all about- forgetting the self so we can love God and everyone else. I get frustrated when I try and make it about Zack Day as the center of the universe. Believe it or not, I have a hard time understanding that there are things that go on in this world that I am not apart of; things that have an impact on me because I think that they are about me when they are not at all. Perception is deceptive. Don't trust yourself ever. Christ is the only thing that lets us see others for who they really are. We understand that we are here only to serve Him and other people. Easier said than done.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
broad and specific
broad statement: I hate it when people tell me that I am mature for my age because it makes my faults that much more obvious to me. It's crazy all of the stuff I still have trouble letting go of.
specific statement: I've realized that my girl:god thought ratio is not where it needs to be, and while on that topic my self:other thought ratio is pretty top heavy as well.
"every thought a thought of You
no other thought I ought to do..."
specific statement: I've realized that my girl:god thought ratio is not where it needs to be, and while on that topic my self:other thought ratio is pretty top heavy as well.
"every thought a thought of You
no other thought I ought to do..."
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